Afghanistan Discovers Lithium, Entire Middle-East Stabilizes

Reports have been coming in that, since the discovery of massive lithium deposits in the more troubled regions of Afghanistan, the entire Middle-East seems to have stabilized. Said one veteran war reporter, “I can’t really describe it. First, nothing happened. Everyone was still fighting. Everywhere, people were still shouting and yelling and burning things. Then, gradually, almost at the same pace as the sunrise, it was like everyone just…how to put it…like they just chilled the fuck out.”

Indeed, effects of the mood stabilizing mineral are being felt all over the entire region. Simon Smythe of the BBC Cairo said, “We always knew Iran was manic-depressive. I mean, comon, ninety percent of modern fatwas are basically a bunch of clerics coming down off one of their big weekends. They even fatwa-ed that bloody kids game, Pokemon, but only after Khamenei went on a three-day card trading bender trying to capture the Raikou monster. Still, we could never have suspected that Bi-Polar disorder was so massive and total in the region, affecting each country in its own terrible way.”

But some claim not to be so surprised. One professor of Sociology from the University of Tehran who agreed to speak under conditions of anonymity said he has long suspected a ubiquitous state of Middle-Eastern Bi-Polar Disorder. ”Of course, this explains a lot, that the lithium would have such immediate effects. At least we have the proof now. Still, we should have at least suspected Israel was a little manic after they ditched the last bi-lateral peace talks with Palestine, mid-lunch mind you, and were discovered, two months later, holed up with a Slavic prostitute named Irene who was supposed to have really ‘got them.’”

Though it is still too early to see if this broad stabilization will remain, experts are optimistic. Said the sociologist, “Yes, I think finally, with the mood swings coming into balance, we can finally start delving into some of the deeper issues, especially getting to the bottom of who touched Saudis growing up.”