Alternatives To Science

According to recent polls, fewer people trust science in America. Folks are getting awful tired of hearing about fact this and figure that. Frankly, all this talk of science and the whole climate nonsense is just putting a real damper on the national debate of issues that really matter, like how the government is trying to steal our health care, and how that President Hussein Obama is spending all of our hard earned taxes, which are too high to begin with, on his damned fool-hearty socialism. Science isn’t working, so what can we trust in? Here’s a few alternatives to Science:

Cats -

Is there anything more enigmatic than a cat? Damn mysterious. Egyptians worshiped them. I think it’s time we start too. Even if you don’t like cats, you know they’re up to something. Okay, try this: Picture a cat. It’s dark. He sneaks out of the house and saunters down to Sixth and Market. There’s an unmarked door. He scratches. The door opens and he gives the password, “meow.” Inside are seven other cats. They’re smoking. Captain Snugglesworth bangs a gavel made of ox-bone. The meeting begins.

Have any trouble imagining that? No, you didn’t. Because cat’s know things and, more than likely, control them.

The Homeless -

I saw this homeless guy smoking a cigarette. He had just picked it up off of the ground, mushed, half-smoked already, more lipstick than tobacco. He relished it. One, two, three puffs. Then another, even homlesser man approached him and asks, “Hey man, you done with that?” See, that’s forward thinking. That’s new margins, better efficiency. That’s some fact-checking we can count on.

Skeletor

Skeletor believes that by conquering Castle Grayskull he can learn it’s secrets and conquer Eternia. I want to know what the fuck these secrets are. What’s Castle Grayskull keeping from us? Vote for Skeletor.

Hoverboard Coverups

Remember when Back to the Future II came out and everyone in the future was riding those bitchen-rad hoverboards? Yeah, those were real. We all knew it as kids. But our moms were covering the whole things up because the International Mom Institute had a convention and decreed them too dangerous. What else are they know?

Scientology

It’s not Science, which is the study of everything. It’s Scientology, which is the study of Science. It’s in the goddam definition. Boo Science. No brainer.

Kings

Remember when we had a majesty who could decree the truth. Just decree it? It’s like, “Hey, butter will now be called rat-farts.” And now everyone’s asking for rat-farted toast. That’s the kind of certainty we need. And who doesn’t trust the monarchy? Who? You say Americans don’t? You say that’s why we have a President? Bullshit. We’ve got a president now, and he’s a bona-fide Marxist or Commie, or whatever the lord hates more. We’ve tried a president; let’s get back to kings.