Alternatives to, “What With The Economy and All…”

“Well, you know, what with the economy and all…” Everybody says this. You’ve said it. The “economy” is the beginning and end to all problems, right? It’s the panacea of excuses. The trouble with its ubiquity as an excuse is that it doesn’t really mean much anymore. Even if it’s relevant, it’s dull. So in an effort to promote intelligent conversation, I’ve come up with a few alternatives that will really make folks appreciate why current things really are the way they are. Pick the one that works for you best:

“What with the Sun and all…”-

Markets are random; even the best predictors fail. Why not blame things on something a little more stable? All life on Earth starts with the sun, so pretty much everything happening that we care about is in one way, or many others, a direct result of the sun’s cooperation. Regale your listeners with a thorough account of how the sun has affected history, from the protozoa to the Inquisition, right up to the point when Morgan, your manager at Hooters, fired you for not meeting up to their strict policy against fair skin.

“What with China and all…”-

American’s love to distrust China. We never know what they’re doing. A few things to remind people who want to know more: there’s a lot more of them than us, they don’t even speak English, and a guy you know from high school had a cousin who was over there and swore he saw at least a dozen Chinese people eating something which, minutes earlier, may or may not have been the family’s pet turtle.

“What with Stockton and all…”-(advanced)

If you want to really impress, just drop the name of this small, inland-California town. You’re no slouch when it comes to explanations, so get ready to recount, in full, the myriad circumstances that led to the global financial crisis. You’ve got quite a ways back to go, so make sure you keep your eye on the goal of finally getting to the belief that the very first subprime-loan default was most likely, according to “experts,” made on a $250,000 loan to somebody living in, that’s right, Stockton, California. Incidentally, if the long account of derivatives and how that lead to the collapse of Lehman Brothers seems daunting, you have the option to bypass money matters altogether and, instead, merely describe the town of Stockton itself. After such a description (and don’t forget to mention the humidity) hint at having once spent a full week there for a matter of “personal business.” You’ll know you described the town accurately when this hint elicits a response similar to putting your finger under the nose of a stranger. (Note: Locals of Stockton, California will take the “Stockton” alternative as is, with no need for further explanation or description.)

“What with Vampires and all…”-(easy)

Frankly, you can’t be bothered to talk about the economy with any real intelligence and, besides, Jennifer is a total bitch for bringing up money-talk in the first place, so why not just change the goddam subject. Once people get over the the natural aversion they have of associating night-stalkers with rising national unemployment rates, you’ll be free to carry on about how smoking hot that wolf-boy was in the latest Twilight movie. (For extra credit, circle back to money-talk through a clever allegory: “Everybody knows that wolf-boys will someday rescue the fair economy from the untrustworthy vampires of the banking industry…”)

Understanding the economy is hard work. It’s a heckuva lot easier to just throw the term “economy” out like all the other home-run terms of banal generalization like “society” or “the media” anything to do with “nowadays.” But why be boring?