America Wins Record 37 Medals At Winter Olympics, and Is Still Fat

Here’s what I’m curious about: Are there a lot of obese sports fans who are getting a genuine sense of American pride in seeing our athletes succeed at this year’s winter games?  Does that seem weird to anyone?  So here’s what I’m imagining: It’s a bunch of really heavy guys sitting around a sports bar.  You’ve got the beer, the burgers.  You gotta have some kind of curly fry too, and don’t you dare forget the ranch.  America wins the gold, and everyone is on their feet, cheering.  But doesn’t anyone look around the bar, for just a second, and think, “My god, we’re all so out of shape.  How the hell can we feel like we’re a part of this?”

I get the excitement.  Of course you root for your home team.  Of course you’re excited.  I think that’s great.  But one or two of these people, I think they might actually feel pride, like they contributed, like they, as American’s are really an integral part of what’s making our athletes great.  These are, as I imagine, the same people who can’t talk about a war without mentioning that “America is gonna kick some ass.”  It’s that blind sense of superiority that I think comes from people who really haven’t participated themselves.  And then, besides all that,  I just still can’t shake the irony of so many obese American’s feeling this much sense of personal, American Pride when an American athlete wins.

No critique should be left without an alternative, so here’s what I propose: For the next Olympics, let’s organize a national walk-a-thon.  All the sports fans who plan on participating in the feeling of national pride should get together and organize a 5k walk.  Like all other “walks,” folks would get their walking sponsored, you know, 50 cents a mile or something, and the money could go towards some charity that supports non-profit youth sports centers or something, thereby contributing to the success of the next generation of Americans.  Meanwhile, all those heavy-set fellows in the bar get to feel like not only are they proud of America’s gold, but also their contribution to the continuation of our great sports tradition.  And of course there is always the minor benefit to their own athleticism by getting a little exercise.  That would be something to make a nation proud.

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