Modern News

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel: Their Relationship Revisited

March 11, 2011

Justing and Jessica broke up. They are so super hot. Oh my god, what if they had babies? Oh my god, what if they knew who I was and we could, like, hang out, and sometimes, Justin, would want me to sing with him or just ask me for advice on songs he was writing [...]

Why America Shouldn’t Help Libya

March 2, 2011

Given all the strife, atrocity and suffering that I can’t begin to imagine in Libya, my heart races to demand some kind of American assistance for their efforts to throw out the dictatorship and establish a budding Democracy. But I wouldn’t suggest it. We can’t help them, I don’t believe, not if we want them [...]

How To Find an Unregistered Domain Name

February 10, 2011

“The existing pool of domain names is depleted,” says representatives from ICANN, the non-profit group in charge of internet names. So, this week, they are talking about the release of a whole lot of internet real estate in the form of a host of new suffixes. Gone will be the days of mere .com, .net, [...]

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Repealed: The Beginning of the Queer Strike?

December 18, 2010

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” begin its process of finally being repealed today in the senate. And some senators, McCain especially, are crying out that this is bad news for the military. They say that this will cause distractions on the battlefield, that it will endanger lives. My question: do they really thing things will just [...]

Fiji Water Leaves Fiji

November 29, 2010

The makers of Fiji water have closed their only water bottling factory in Fiji after tax disputes with the ruling military government. When asked what this leaves for the brand, a spokesman for the company reported that they are exploring a number of options including: -”Tapping into the water-rich, untouched resources of neighboring Samoa which has always been [...]

No Raise For Social Security: Another Year Of Crappy Gifts From Grandparents

October 16, 2010

Your grandparents aren’t getting a raise this year in their social security and that can only mean one thing: You’re going to continue getting crappy gifts for your birthday and Christmas. This happens every year. Crap gift after crap gift. And it’s even worse this year, worse than the atrocious sweater that they gave you [...]

Discovery Channel Gunman: James Jay Lee Manifesto

September 1, 2010

James Jay Lee, the gunman who is, as of this writing, terrorizing the headquarters of the Discovery Channel Headquarters, having taken hostages and made demands. Check out a link here or here to an archived copy of his manifesto where he talks about how irresponsible the Discovery Channel has been in advocating for nature. One [...]

There is a Gunman in The Discovery Channel Headquarters: Right Now

September 1, 2010

Yeah, right now. I mean, as of the time this was published, it’s happening. And my first thought is, really, a gunman, with explosives, who has taken hostages, at the Discovery Channel? The channel that features sharks, myths, How is this even possible? There are hostages. The building is on lock-down. The news that I’m [...]

iPhone4 Doesn’t Like To Be Touched!

June 24, 2010

It appears that the latest and greatest of iPhones is seriously flawed. ”Woah, buddy, get the fuck off me, alright?” many new iPhones were reported to say to users if they were held too closely. If a user wrapped their hand around the phone while using it, iPhone would just freeze up. One advanced user [...]

Afghanistan Now Rich, Buys Miami Timeshare

June 14, 2010

With the discovery of over a trillion dollars worth of lithium under its soil, Afghanistan has announced today that it will be moving its entire population to Miami Beach, Florida. The move comes as a surprise to many who believe the Afghanis naturally prefer their desert homeland. In an announcement today, President Karzai said, “Are [...]

Afghanistan Discovers Lithium, Entire Middle-East Stabilizes

June 14, 2010

Reports have been coming in that, since the discovery of massive lithium deposits in the more troubled regions of Afghanistan, the entire Middle-East seems to have stabilized. Said one veteran war reporter, “I can’t really describe it. First, nothing happened. Everyone was still fighting. Everywhere, people were still shouting and yelling and burning things. Then, [...]

Gulf Coast Beaches Get a Pity Lay

June 11, 2010

The Washington Post and I have the same idea on the future of Gulf Coast states tourism: First, it’s not going to come so much from folks eager to get into the water. Second, if they work hard enough at it, I’ll bet they can get some folks to come out specifically for a chance to be [...]

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