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Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel: Their Relationship Revisited

Thomas Wood — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 17:42:36 +0000

Justing and Jessica broke up. They are so super hot. Oh my god, what if they had babies? Oh my god, what if they knew who I was and we could, like, hang out, and sometimes, Justin, would want me to sing with him or just ask me for advice on songs he was writing about me, but only after I got done making out with Jessica because she’ll say that it’s better for her to practice making out with me for her upcoming roles as an awesome-hot model-type who sleeps around and who can’t get enough of the Wood.

Who cares!

There is so much going on in the world today.

Massive Tsunami causing earthquake in japan

See photos of all the devastation.

Want to help victims of the quake? Check out this list of 6 places to donate.

"Day of Rage" Political protests in Saudia Arabia

Why America Shouldn’t Help Libya

Thomas Wood — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:10:24 +0000

Given all the strife, atrocity and suffering that I can’t begin to imagine in Libya, my heart races to demand some kind of American assistance for their efforts to throw out the dictatorship and establish a budding Democracy. But I wouldn’t suggest it. We can’t help them, I don’t believe, not if we want them to succeed.

It comes to this. Democracy isn’t a structure of government, something that can be aided, set up, and handed over; it is an idea: the respect of the individual to hold a share of responsibility in the governance. Given that, I’m not sure Democracy can be given at all.

But let me put this simpler: If America intervenes, the Arab world may see that victory in Libya as tainted. Instead of having to acknowledge an Arab democracy as legitimate, it could be viewed as a puppet of America or the West in general. It doesn’t matter the truth, intentions, or morality behind the aide. This may come down to simple pride and simple perception. ”Of the people, by the people, for the people” has to stand on its own, or else it has no hope of freeing others.

Again, this isn’t about what’s right or wrong but about having to allow them sole ownership.

How To Find an Unregistered Domain Name

Thomas Wood — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 17:06:33 +0000

“The existing pool of domain names is depleted,” says representatives from ICANN, the non-profit group in charge of internet names. So, this week, they are talking about the release of a whole lot of internet real estate in the form of a host of new suffixes. Gone will be the days of mere .com, .net, .org, etc… Now, we’ll have addresses ending in things like .music, .radio, .xxx, and so on.

I call bullshit. I think there are plenty of names still available. But it will take a little work, a little ingenuity, and a lot of imagination.

Branding has gotten lazy if you think you can’t find some new, creative way of marking out your own space in the internet.

How about this: I’ll just start thinking of some random websites using a few of my own creative ideas and see if they are available. Nevermind what they might be for. Let’s see what I can come up with. (All of these are going to be, more or less, off the top of my head and marked AVAILABLE or TAKEN as of the time of this posting.)

How to find an unregistered domain:

Juxtaposition is key

Combinations: Combinations are the easiest way for us to find more domain real estate. Just find two words, two concepts, and put them together in a way that is either unusual in itself, or unusual in its being associated with some kind of marketable or followable push, ie, unusual as a brand.

Leftleg.com – TAKEN – Some kind of publication, not too developed. I don’t see it going anywhere.
Rightleg.com – AVAILABLE – Done, now you can have a pristine spot for your own stupid publication.
HappyDuck.com – AVAILABLE – This could adequately represent any Chinese store/restaurant/doctor.
LittleWater.com – AVAILABLE – Can’t decide what Indian name (sorry, Native American) to give your next casino/condominum. I’d goddam live/gamble at LittleWater, wouldn’t you?
PassportThief.com – AVAILABLE – I don’t know what this is. Is it for passport thieves or against them? Maybe both. But this exists now. It’s in your brain.
ModernSophist.com – TAKEN – I’m putting this up to make a point. You think I didn’t have to spend an hour trying to come up with something which both exemplified whatever bullshit I’m selling on this site and was also available. Of course I did. So, there it is. I was the first to combine those two words. I put the work in, and look at all the glory that has risen.

This is Younique, and she doesn't have her privacy set very high on Facebook.

Unique/Uneek: Give your website a black name. Woah, hold on, wait, don’t call me a racist just yet. Let me explain. I was reading some of the ideas in the book, Freakonomics, and it was talking about how African-Americans, statistically speaking, tend to come up with more unique and original names with more unique spellings when naming their children. (There were, according to the study, literally 228 girls named Unique in some measure of time and, among those, some were spelled Uneek, Younique, etc). The idea here is just to come up with your own spelling for your own idea. Will that make branding tough? Of course, but if it’s the sound you want, the concept, spelling be damned!

WalStrete.com – AVAILABLE – I could totally advise your portfolios and shit. Buy gold, bitches.
Pepcee.com – TAKEN – Apparently, someone already thought of making their version of the second (arguable) greatest soda ever.
TheDalySho.com – AVAILABLE – With Johnathon Stuart.
PhatKat.com – AVAILABLE – Well, sort of. It’s actually for sale from flavashop.com, which is a perfect example of a uneek name.

Sentences: A brand doesn’t have to be short, or even succinct, it can be a whole phrase or concept. This may be the richest, untapped territory of them all.

TellMeWhatYouWantFromMe.com – AVAILABLE – Here would be a great website for me trying to understand what the shit it is their women are asking them to do so that they can get back to sitting alone, peaceably, in their caves.
ImNotGivingInToYourDemands.com – AVAILABLE – A great place for kidnappers all over the world (Germany/Colombia) to discuss the latest in ransom technology.
GoBackToSleepHoneyItsJustTheGoddamCat.com – AVAILABLE – I didn’t even check this one. I goddam know it’s available, and ripe with implication and relevance.

New Words: Ahh, is your favorite word taken? Boo-goddam-hoo. Can’t think of another way to say what was already said perfectly? I thought you were trying to make something. Make it up.

Ploozle.com – AVAILABLE – Definitely some sort of cleaning device or, at the very least, something as seen on TV.
Chipooey.com – AVAILABLE – This shouldn’t exist, whatever it is. It’s cute, and tweens like it, and it deserves to be shot three times in the splurg.
Pettle.com – AVAILABLE – Soon as I typed this one I thought, “wait, this has to be an actual word.” Well it isn’t, unless your Scottish, in which case it means to fondle, which seems a perfectly reasonable subject for a website.

Be Erudite: I’m going to make up some numbers here: there are over well 250,000 words in English and, of those we probably only use, maybe 10,000. (Exact answers to this are unreasonably hard to estimate). The point is that there are a helluva lot of domains still available if you use less usual words. Of course, you run into the definite possibility that the average person will have no idea what your website is about (see: “sophist”).

Elide.com – AVAILABLE – A great site for ignoring most of life’s direct evidence.
Effluvium.com – AVAILABLE – I am astounded that some college fart enthusiast hasn’t picked up on this site yet.
Ambisinister.com – AVAILABLE – I’m not one for market prophecy, but the next big niche fetish is probably going to be about girls who has no idea what to do with either of her hands.

So, what’s the conclusion? The conclusion is that you’re being lazy. Everyone wants their brand to be easy, accessible, and memorable. Bullshit. That’s language doing half of the work for you. Your job is to make the product good. Forget the SEO, forget the lowest-common-denominator user. Start thinking.

Finally, I’m expecting all of these websites to be registered and fully developed within the next two years and, yes, I expect a piece of each business, especially from those shifty Passport Thieves.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Repealed: The Beginning of the Queer Strike?

Thomas Wood — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 23:17:01 +0000

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” begin its process of finally being repealed today in the senate. And some senators, McCain especially, are crying out that this is bad news for the military. They say that this will cause distractions on the battlefield, that it will endanger lives.

My question: do they really thing things will just change over night? Have they forgotten that coming out, even when it’s “legally” acceptable to do so, is a profoundly difficult undertaking, wrought with social intolerance that cares little for laws or compassion?

It’s not as though repealing the DADT policy will end bigotry, or ignorance or good ol’ fashioned homophobia. It’s not as though, even without all that, some nineteen year old kid isn’t still going to feel completely at risk of being socially ostracized for being different, for being “queer.”

It makes me wonder if those in opposition imagine that small cells within the military will suddenly ignite a queer strike on their fellow soldiers. Or maybe they suppose that being officially in the closet about your sexual orientation means holding back a river of “flaming” that will burst out upon the battlefield like some fantasy dyke march through Afghanistan. I think they must imagine that the policy was holding back some unspoken demographic of super queers, as though thousands of soldiers will suddenly adopt the sass and mannerisms of a fighting Perez Hilton.

I cannot imagine the pressures, the worries, the utter challenge one must face in coming out, but I respect that removing one massive complication in the process is only a small part of any gay individuals struggle to find acceptance. I am very proud of our country and our congress for making this repeal happen, but this is just a step. There is a lot of intolerance yet to be faced.

Fiji Water Leaves Fiji

Thomas Wood — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 01:33:37 +0000

The makers of Fiji water have closed their only water bottling factory in Fiji after tax disputes with the ruling military government.

When asked what this leaves for the brand, a spokesman for the company reported that they are exploring a number of options including:

-”Tapping into the water-rich, untouched resources of neighboring Samoa which has always been blessed in its waters.”

-”Acquiring a more local, logistically responsible source for bottling under the Fiji name.”

No Raise For Social Security: Another Year Of Crappy Gifts From Grandparents

Thomas Wood — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 20:20:37 +0000

Your grandparents aren’t getting a raise this year in their social security and that can only mean one thing: You’re going to continue getting crappy gifts for your birthday and Christmas.

This happens every year. Crap gift after crap gift. And it’s even worse this year, worse than the atrocious sweater that they gave you last year. At least that could have kept you alive for a little bit longer once the nuclear winter comes.

You’re sixteen, but instead of something useful like a gas card or something fun like an iPod you can count on once again getting one of those grocery-store plastic sets of “Real Cop” paraphernalia. It’s not that your grandparents thought about you last minute or anything. It’s just that they still think you’re six.

Besides that, they’re cheap. They have to be. There’s no money in the system for doting. Doting doesn’t grow on trees you know.

What’s the worst present your grandparents have ever bought you?

Discovery Channel Gunman: James Jay Lee Manifesto

Thomas Wood — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:40:24 +0000

James Jay Lee, the gunman who is, as of this writing, terrorizing the headquarters of the Discovery Channel Headquarters, having taken hostages and made demands.

Check out a link here or here to an archived copy of his manifesto where he talks about how irresponsible the Discovery Channel has been in advocating for nature.

One really interesting thing is how much this guy references the novel Ishmael by Daniel Quinn about a talking gorilla that gives a little perspective on the impact of humans on nature. In fact, demand one is that Discovery Channel devotes daily prime time to ideas promoted in the book.

Also, he demands that we promote avoiding the creation of any more “disgusting human babies!” He seems to really hate new babies.

“Also, war must be halted.”
Here is a video of him throwing thousands of dollars into a crowd during a protest of the Discovery Channel from back in 2008.

And here’s an “experimental” title for a proposed show on how awful humans are.

There is a Gunman in The Discovery Channel Headquarters: Right Now

Thomas Wood — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:40:40 +0000

Yeah, right now. I mean, as of the time this was published, it’s happening. And my first thought is, really, a gunman, with explosives, who has taken hostages, at the Discovery Channel? The channel that features sharks, myths, How is this even possible?

There are hostages. The building is on lock-down.

The news that I’m watching, it’s online, it’s streamed from a local channel, the type that has to cover downtown Silverspring, Maryland, that has to remind you that a live gunman may affect traffic. They remind you that you can stay tuned to find out more about the gunman, what’s happening, why it’s happening, and how it’s affecting traffic. (Fenton Street is apparently taking a beating with traffic, as it intersects with Georgia street. The news channel is hoping this can get “wrapped up” by rush-hour.)

The man is an unidentified Asian man who has an “explosive device.” NBC is reporting his name is James Jay Lee. He has “problems with the Discovery Channel Corporation. There have been rumors that this is an environmental extremist, an eco-terrorist, who has issues with the Discovery Channel’s stance on ecological issues. Police are apparently in touch with the man who has some undisclosed requests. There’s also a rumor that at least one shot has already been fired.

No word yet on whether or not Bear Grylls has been called in but rumor has it the myth busters are testing heat seeking missiles out as of this posting.

For ridiculous local news that pauses every few minutes to remind you of the traffic effects, go here: http://www.wusa9.com/video/livestream/9newsnow-chat.aspx

For non-traffic related updates, check out this more reputable station:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38957020

update: As of 4:48pm eastern time, the suspect has been shot and killed.

iPhone4 Doesn’t Like To Be Touched!

Thomas Wood — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:27:20 +0000

It appears that the latest and greatest of iPhones is seriously flawed. ”Woah, buddy, get the fuck off me, alright?” many new iPhones were reported to say to users if they were held too closely. If a user wrapped their hand around the phone while using it, iPhone would just freeze up.

One advanced user who was one of the few to get their hands on one before its official release date released a demo of the problems with freezing up via a Youtube video. ”Camon’ baby, just lemme slide this little ol’ hand down, round, here…there, see, now, that’s nice, isn’t it?”

iPhone: “I don’t know, mister. Really, I don’t know if I should.”

User: “Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit a contact between us…oh, hey, now, stop your crying, iPhone.”

iPhone: ”No, mister, don’t hold me like that.”

User: ”Camon now…don’t be like that. It’s just a little hand holding you good and…now hey. I’m serious now. You keep that data connection running. Baby, you’re asking for it.”

Analysists are baffled by what seems to be a serious and obvious design flaw. ”It’s like iPhone was dropped on it’s head or something. I mean, the phone is clearly asking for it, so we can’t figure out why they go all cold and useless in your hand like that.”

Afghanistan Now Rich, Buys Miami Timeshare

Thomas Wood — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:37:56 +0000

With the discovery of over a trillion dollars worth of lithium under its soil, Afghanistan has announced today that it will be moving its entire population to Miami Beach, Florida. The move comes as a surprise to many who believe the Afghanis naturally prefer their desert homeland.

In an announcement today, President Karzai said, “Are you kidding me? Who likes the goddam desert? I already prepaid for my timeshare yesterday and we are moving forward with plans to get everyone else in by mid-August.”

Yet others are still in disbelief. Said one high-ranking member of the US Department of State, “We never saw this coming. We knew that, in their heart of hearts, the Afghanis were a sea-going people, but most of our analysis indicated that they would most likely settle in Barbados or another of the Caribbean islands. We even had one model that showed a sixty percent chance they would simply import most of whats remaining of the Six Flags Theme Parks, which of course includes Great Escape Water Park.”