Modern News

iPhone4 Gives Users Direct Access to Jesus

June 7, 2010

Old-Fashioned verbal or written prayer just became a thing of the past as followers of exciting developments in Apple technology learned today that the new iPhone 4 allows users to directly contact our lord almighty, Jesus Christ. Said Jobs in his second Keynote address of the day, “This phone has features which have been, until [...]

The iPad is Selling Out

June 2, 2010

Many locations are reporting that the iPad is selling out completely, due to its upcoming album featuring the Jonas Brothers. This comes as sad news for the true, die-hard fans who were there for the iPad from the beginning, just two months ago. Does this spell the end of the days when the iPad was the [...]

BP Assures Congress They “Will Laugh About Oil Spill One Day”

May 24, 2010

A spokesperson for BP today testified before congress that “Someday, we’ll all look back and laugh at this crazy oil spill.” While wiping a whimsical tear from his right eye, he went on to add, “Yes-sir-e, can you just imagine it. All of us getting together over a couple of beers, having a big ol’ [...]

BP To Get Rid of Oil Spill by Investing It In Greek Economy

May 14, 2010

BP announced today yet another plan to abate the oil spill off the gulf coast, this time by channeling the oil into the Greek Economy and thereby assuring its complete disappearance. ”We’ve already started laying the groundwork, ” said a spokesperson Friday morning. ”Basically, we’ll be attaching a hose to the leaking pipe at the [...]

BP To Collect Oil In Big Container

May 6, 2010

BP announced today a plan to collect all of the oil off of the gulf coast with a giant container. The container, which weighs approximately 10,000,000 tons and is large enough to contain the state of Delaware has an estimated cost of 87 billion dollars. But some are not so optimistic about this plan. One [...]

America is Full of Terrorists

May 5, 2010

The New York Times listed one Faisal Shahzad as the suspect held responsible for the planned bombing of New York City’s Time Square. Also this morning, a buddy of mine showed me a very scary site which is like an advanced, online white-pages. I thought I would combine these two things to see what [...]

Greece Proposes Conquest of Troy to End Debt

May 4, 2010

Greek officials today announced a plan to raise funds for the debt ridden nation by reconquering the ancient city of Troy. Said one official, “We need to get back to our roots because everything we’ve tried so far isn’t working. What we need is fresh source of capital. So we though, ‘Wait a second. The [...]

Coast Guard Gets .04Miles/Gallon Burning Oil Slick

April 28, 2010

The Coast Guard is going to start burning off oil from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill getting an estimated .04 Miles per Gallon. The spill, which as of yesterday was approximately 48 miles long and 39 miles wide, comprises some 42,000 gallons of crude. Said one critic, “We haven’t seen such inefficiency since the [...]

Ortiz Just Realized She Is THAT Jenna Jameson

April 27, 2010

Tito Ortiz was quoted as saying that he only struck his girlfriend, Jenna Jameson, after learning that she was THAT Jenna Jameson, of porn-star fame and infamy. ”I had no idea, the whole time we were going out, that she was that Jenna Jameson. Honestly. I really just thought it was kind of a goofy [...]

The SEC Needs A Break, With Porn!

April 23, 2010

The GOP is complaining very loudly about recent reports that staff at the SEC were viewing pornographic material on their work computers over the last few years, that is, during the financial crisis. My initial thought, I cannot understand outrage over people checking out porn on their work computers, unless they are wasting a great [...]

Chinese Hack Google for Los Angeles Map Directions

April 20, 2010

Back in December, Chinese hackers were able to gain access to critical Google computers and software code, all in an attempt to better access Google Maps in the hopes of settling a local dispute over the best route from LAX to Hollywood. A spokesperson for the Chinese Hackers posted today that, “Phil Chen is a [...]

Buzz Aldrin Misses Chance to Be First Man to Walk On Obama

April 14, 2010

Famed latecomer Buzz Aldrin missed his chance today to be the first man to walk all over Obama’s cutbacks for the NASA space program when Neil Armstrong once again beat him to the punch by writing a letter of critique to the President. An insider told reporters that Mr. Aldrin missed the opportunity while he [...]

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