Modern Writing

The…what?

March 15, 2011

“The”…what? Go on. What are you? Come on. This is killing me. What are you selling, store? Cable Cars? No, that would be ridiculous. Who would want a cable car? Stupid tourists, that’s who. But then, how are they going to carry it home, store? Huh? Tell me how the tourist is going to take [...]

Advertising Without Pants

March 14, 2011

Okay, so you’re opening an unmarked, off-the-rack, clothing store in downtown San Francisco. Makes sense. You’ve got all of these great brands at killer prices listed right in your window. Naturally. You think, “jeeze, what if we get a homeless guy to sort of mill about in front of the store with a sign advertising [...]

Gaddafi Say Anything

March 1, 2011

In an effort to relearn everything I’ve forgotten from my teenage years in Photoshop and Premiere, I’ve created a crap little video. I would say enjoy but, except for the success of sneaking a boombox into Libya, there is little to love in this first attempt.

Chuck Sheen Facts

March 1, 2011

Chuck Sheen doesn’t binge, he destroys temptation. In trying to move forward from the last decade to this, it seems pop culture is demanding a new living legend to idolize and uplift beyond the scope of any mere mortal. I nominate Chuck Sheen. Chuck will proceed as only a Chuck can: He will be revered in [...]

No Graffiti

February 22, 2011

Logically speaking, by saying that there is “no graffiti” permitted, it sort of implies that it is permitted other places. It isn’t. By its very definition, graffiti is always illicit, always unwanted. Whoever mandated this sign should have known better. I really hate graffiti. It just seems so childish, so disrespectful, so without honor or dignity. [...]

Porn for Philanthropy

February 16, 2011

I have this idea that pornography should be more philanthropic. Here’s the premise: There’s a lot of us looking at a lot of pornography. We are, for whatever reasons, ignoring all issues of morality, seeking it out. Why not, then, tether that pornography with something philanthropic? The idea came to me from some simple data. I get [...]

Adorable Ransom

February 15, 2011

I saw this ad on Amazon from the ASPCA. Of course, you see these all the time, sometimes even on the television. And they all go the same way. ”Help us save this animal.” And we look at how cute and sad it is. Who wouldn’t want to save this dog? I get that animals [...]

Racist MythBusters

February 11, 2011

Are Mexican’s lazy? Are the French always rude? How well endowed are your black friends, really? I didn’t get a chance to discuss these myths with Myth Buster, Jaime Hyneman, the other night at a Q&A with him that I attended (by “didn’t get a chance” I mean I didn’t dare to even stand within [...]

How To Find an Unregistered Domain Name

February 10, 2011

“The existing pool of domain names is depleted,” says representatives from ICANN, the non-profit group in charge of internet names. So, this week, they are talking about the release of a whole lot of internet real estate in the form of a host of new suffixes. Gone will be the days of mere .com, .net, [...]

The Alternate Dimensions of Sex.com

February 9, 2011

ICANN, the body in charge of internet domains, is going to create a whole bunch of new suffixes. So, instead of a .com or .net, you might have any number of iterations of the same name. This may lead to some confusion: Me: ”So I was ‘perusing’ this creepy nudie website. You’ve got to check [...]

#nopromo

February 4, 2011

Forget #nohomo, the linguistic phenomenon of undermining any potentially homosexual overtones. (As in, “I love the Rock, #nohomo.) Because one of the real issues we face today isn’t about one’s sense of self-confidence, or even homo-phobia, it’s narcissism. All modern social media depends on the ever increasing need of people to show off, in one way or another. [...]

Goat Solves AIDS

February 1, 2011

There aren’t enough problems in the world that can be solved by giving someone a goat. I mean, camon’, imagine if, “hmm, better just buy a ton of goats,” was the answer to some of the more widely publisized world dilemmas. How would goats solve these problems? Breast Cancer? Goat will fix it. Because goats [...]

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