The Comedies

Old-Fashioned Porn Of The Future

April 1, 2010

We all think this is pretty hot now. But in twenty years, everyone’s going to laugh at how dated her tan lines are since, in the future, following the current green-trend, most women will wear a single leaf to cover the entirety of their genitals.

“Arms Race” – A New Reality Show Pitch

April 1, 2010

When you’re shopping through the aisles do you ever stop and figure out what, if you had to, you could kill a guy with? I don’t mean any specific guy, as in, you’ve cracked and you’re really out to get someone. And I also don’t mean just any random guy, because you’re not a psychopath; [...]

Ways to Save Time: Bathroom Efficiency

March 31, 2010

I love to save a little time. Usually that means finding a way to do two or three things at once, or to do them in an order that means I’m not being held up. So I laughed, just a moment ago, when I found myself peeing, then simultaneously trying to grab some scissors to [...]

Fairy Murdered Over Baby-Tooth/Baby-Laugh Dispute

March 29, 2010

Fairy murders are on the rise nationally as supplies of baby-teeth and baby-laughter are becoming scarce. The latest in a string of violent acts is the result of a horrific battle between the Russian Tooth-Cartel and Colombia’s Baby-Laugh black market. This latest victim, identified as Sprinkles Alvarez, was a well known lieutenant of the infamous [...]

What To Do When You’re Feeling Low

March 25, 2010

Depressed? Lazy? Just not feeling up to the world an all of its demands. Can’t find that inspiration everyone’s always on about? We all get this way, but what’s the best way to handle it? My suggestion, go with it. Just let it bloody be. Why fight the roller coaster baby? Here’s a few tips, a [...]

How To Fix American “Obesity”

March 23, 2010

America is fat, sorry, obese, and we’re mad as hell about it. I’ve figured out how to fix this. The answer to ridding America of obesity? Change the language. We all know the age-old chubby girl trick of calling a fat girl pleasantly plump and telling your overweight husband that there is more of him [...]

After Vampires: The Next Big Mythical Figure

March 19, 2010

Ninjas, Zombies, Pirates, Vampires and Werewolves. In the last ten years I’ve watched the public (yes, from atop my mountain) get really into these mythical figures as the butt of jokes, the objects of desire and the characters that haunt us. Here’s my prediction for the next sexy class of fabled super-human: Let’s cover a [...]

Alternatives To Science

February 26, 2010

According to recent polls, fewer people trust science in America. Folks are getting awful tired of hearing about fact this and figure that. Frankly, all this talk of science and the whole climate nonsense is just putting a real damper on the national debate of issues that really matter, like how the government is trying [...]

Names That Will Ruin Your Baby’s Future

February 19, 2010

“His parents must have hated him.” Hate your kid? Why waste eighteen years on pent up resentment and exhausting emotional abuse, when you can pretty much wreck any chance of a successful life with one cavalier swipe of your pen across the Birth Certificate name-line. Here’s a few ideas for how to ensure your kid [...]

Jazz Shootings

February 11, 2010

You never hear about a shooting at a Jazz Club. I want this to happen more. Recently, we had a shooting at some hip-hop club down in the Wharf of San Francisco. (I was impressed to hear that there were even people out at the Wharf, let alone that enough had gathered to manifest an [...]

“Cats Know Where The People Poop” – TNB

February 10, 2010

One of my cats has started following me into the bathroom. Most of the day, he sleeps under the bed, while I am on the couch. At night, we switch. As I see it, I respect his territory and he respects mine, with only minimal crossover for such necessary exchanges as food-in-bowl and pet-on-head (he is, after [...]

When You’re “Off The Hook!”

February 10, 2010

I can’t reconcile this phrase, “Off the hook!” It means two totally separate things. A few minutes ago, I was texting with a colleague who was wondering if she was going to have to work tonight or not. She wasn’t, so I texted her back, “Just found out…you’re off the hook.” My phone froze up [...]

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