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Meat Market

Thomas Wood — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:20:50 +0000

“I get a call on my way to the audition from the agent. He said, ‘What is really important is that you are fuckable.’” – Adrienne Shelley (young actress)

The market showed signs of slowing as news came to light today of a string of weddings. Megan Fox (MFOX) and Carrie Prejean (MSCA) lead the way in a drop-off of fuckability as the former was wed to Brian Austen Green and the latter to some unknown prick this weekend.

A surprise bit of rising for Kristen Stewert (VPR) who’s fuckability rose 4% despite things looking as solid as ever with that tool, Patterson. Analysts suspect that at least part of the rise is due to a report that she is exhausted from her recent press-tour and is therefore more likely to do it with you if you were super slick about it.

Blue chips stock in Sandra Bullock (BULL) has continued in its steady rise, gaining another 1% today as it was announced that the divorce between her and Jessie James was finalized. Though some analysts are concerned that having so much of her back on the open market could lead towards hostile take-over attempts by such douches as K. Reeves or one of those latin actors that is so hot right now, most agree that shares of Bullock (BULL) are prime and a solid buy.

Also a big mover in the market today was the more obscure Amy Locane-Bovenizer (ALB) of former Melrose Place fame. Generally keeping at a meager 7 points of fuckability, due mostly to time out of the spotlight, shares in (ALB) rose 87% today on reports that she was involved in a horrific drunk driving accident that killed a Jersey woman.

When Jimmy Jones, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal, was asked how such disgusting irresponsibility could so dramatically raise the market fuckability of this relatively unknown actress, he confided, “You’ve got two factors at work here. First and simply, any press is good press with a still-young actress. And she don’t look too bad in the photos, you know.”

The second thing,” he continued, “and this is the one you gotta watch for, is that careful period in a young actresses life between the height of her career and her total downfall. What’s at work here is that most guys believe that were that to catch her in that sweet-spot of sheer vulnerability, they might actually have a shot. Britney Spears (SPRS) was up %127 about a week before that whole shaved head incident. Of course it’s only going to be speculators who are willing to touch a stock so inevitably doomed to remain a ‘crazy fuck.’”

How to Fix the Environment: Make Cigarette Butts with Seeds

Thomas Wood — Wed, 26 May 2010 16:11:11 +0000

Wouldn’t that just flip the whole goddam world upside down? Imagine if there were seeds inside every cigarette butt. Every time a smoker tossed their butt out of a car window or onto the pavement somewhere, it would have a chance to sprout into a beautiful tree or flower or something. Instead of brands of smokes, you’d buy a pack of Redwoods, or Roses or something. Never mind that many seeds wont fit into a filter. The point is, some will, and with biodegradable coverings, this plan seems totally feasible. Whenever anti-smokers got on their high-horses about how awful smoking is for people and for the environment you just get to wag your head in pity and ask them, “Buddy, when’s the last time you planted a tree, huh? I planted half a pack last night alone.”

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How to Survive Bay to Breakers

Thomas Wood — Fri, 14 May 2010 20:09:18 +0000

This will be my sixth year doing Bay to Breakers here in San Francisco. I’ve compiled a few helpful tips for how to survive and make the best of it.

Eggs – The morning of the race, you’ll want to have eaten at least five of these for two reasons: One, they are pretty decent at keeping the booze and alcohol poisoning down and, two, when the inevitably come back up, they are slightly less gross than the pasta you ate the night before.
Take Your Pants Off – Simply put, you cannot properly participate in this “race” with pants on. For most, this will mean a variation on short-shorts. For the true connoisseur, this means walking around hopelessly in the Tender-Loin four hours after the race is over, wearing only your underwear and a smile, as you nervously search for the one girl in your group who you swear was right next to you when you both decided to go off on your own in search for a quieter place to pee.
Warn The Big Guy – Towards the end of the race, when the guy who is bigger than you picks you up and decides to spin you around in celebration, be sure to warn him at least five seconds before you throw up onto his back. He’ll appreciate this gesture, and will look back at the moment with respect as he tries desperately to shower off whatever you did or did not eat for breakfast (see above advice).
Take Your Top Off - It’s hot outside, and that itchy, itchy bra isn’t helping anyone. Worried your co-workers/ex/friends/family/general-population-of-the-male-race will see your tits on some Flickr page? Don’t, they will, but Bay to Breakers is about fun and freedom and not worrying about what other people eventually masturbate to, and did I mention how hot it was?
Bring a Flag – You and your fifteen other friends will stay together, right up to the point when you have your third beer. That’s why our group always brings a flag. This makes for an easy point of reference for everyone to find when they inevitably drift off. Plus it identifies the flag bearer as a responsible leader, who most definitely will not post that topless photo of you on his Facebook page later in the afternoon.
Sunscreen – Don’t forget your genitals. Even if you think there is zero chance they will be exposed to the elements, trust me, if you forget the sunscreen down there the once, you never will again.

Stupid Nerds – The Lost Social Class

Thomas Wood — Wed, 12 May 2010 21:03:46 +0000

I had a realization some time ago that there is a sad little sub-sect of the Nerd social class that nobody much talks about: Stupid Nerds. In the broad, two-party system of social classes, where you’re either a jock or a nerd, most accept that, where nerds lack in athletic prowess or social aptitude, they more than make up the difference in intelligence and productivity. But that’s not always true.

This idea came to me one night when I was out in my home town having drinks with some old friends. We ran into a kid I’ll call Billy and talked to him for a while. Billy was a nerd in high school in all the identifiable ways: poor taste in clothes, loved computers, wore glasses, was into drama club and found a lot of ways to bring up Star Wars. I always thought Billy would do great things just based on his being a nerd who ran with the nerd crowd. But as I talked to him for a while, “catching up,” I realized that Billy hadn’t made it.

I think most nerds make it by embracing their nerdiness. Billy seemed to go the opposite direction. Instead of going to a university like his nerd friends, Billy went to the local community college where a lot of the hot chicks and jocks went to lay low for a couple of years while they were riding out their high school popularity. Billy didn’t have any popularity, so his time there was akin to a severely disabled boy getting into Juilliard. And Billy’s style had gotten worse. He used to dress in little suits and sweaters. Now Billy wore big boots and cheap leather jackets akin to the Tyler Durden movement from ten years ago, had things on his face pierced, and kept his hair unsettled between something buzzed and something long in an effect which reminded one more of garnish than any particular look.

What had happened to Billy? As we talked for a while longer, it dawned on me. Billy was stupid. It’s not just that he had made some wrong turns (he had) but that he probably couldn’t have made the right ones. He wasn’t very bright, you see, and it had just never showed because he had exhibited all the symptoms of an awkward, ungainly, but eventually very lucrative life as a nerd. We had all just assumed he was smart.

I started wondering how many people were out there, just like him: unpopular, uncharismatic but also unambitious and not terribly clever.

Most of us accept that there are some people out there who aren’t intelligent and who just wont make much of themselves. But it’s hard to imagine that this if the fate of those who ran in the nerd crowds, those that were supposed to grow up, find their niche, develop Twitter or something, and eventually buy an island filled with all the women who would have laughed at them in high school. But some nerds never make it past a level seven mage in World of Warcraft. Some nerds will always love Star Wars, but never fully appreciate the scientific paradox of generating a fixed-mass, portable laser which has the capability to reflect other lasers.

There is nothing sadder than the nerd who will never learn that a nerd doesn’t get success by becoming a jock, but by owning the intellectual rights to the jock’s mobile phone and charging them a shitload for it.

Cinco de Mayo – Celebrating Mexican Independence

Thomas Wood — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:40:18 +0000

Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) is not Mexican Independence day, but it might as well be where Americans and, specifically Chicanos are concerned. Pride in one’s nation, check. Beer being marketed at an unusually high level, check. Bar-b-que? Check. I did some checking up to try to figure out this holiday’s significance, because knowing why one drinks is a great way of explaining why one doesn’t show up to places the next day.

Cinco de Mayo is a pretty interesting holiday because it celebrates a minor victory which, militarily speaking, had little significance (according to my above source). This was General Zaragosa’s victory over an army of Napoleon III. One year later, the French came back and won, taking over Mexico City (the capital) and installing their own emperor.

Culturally, the fifth of May was huge. Apparently, the Mexicans had a bitch of a time after their independence from Spain which was something like fifty years earlier. So the fifth of May became something of a day of pride.

It would be like if we celebrated the Battle of the Bulge except, wait, that was a really significant to have held back the final, massive German offensive. So maybe it would be like if we celebrated some major victory in Vietnam, which didn’t end up mattering since we pulled out of that war. Except I don’t believe there was any national pride in our Vietnam involvement.

Boy, this is tough. I can’t find any holidays like Cinco de Mayo. We need to find something to celebrate which raised the people’s spirits but which was relatively insignificant in actual, long-term effect.

I suppose one could argue it’s similar to St. Patrick’s Day, but getting rid of snakes seems pretty significant to me. And it’s not like the snakes came back an installed a snake emperor who ruled over Ireland for four years.

Maybe it doesn’t matter the significance if what is significant is a sense of national pride and positive identity. Still, I’d like to see more reference to Zaragosa. Maybe Chicanos should team up with Dos-equis and try to get “The Most Interesting Man In the World” named Zaragosa. I’d definitely celebrate Most Interesting Man In the World Day.

Five Topics I’m Not Writing About Today

Thomas Wood — Tue, 04 May 2010 01:44:45 +0000

Being a writer means treating it like any day-job: you ought to work at it every day, and you can’t just cheat it. But I’ve been busy the last few days with my actual day job and, frankly, nothing has fired me up saying, “Write me! Write the shit out of me!” So here’s a list of five things which, though I am interested in them, aren’t going to be written about today.

The Oil Spill – This is one of those topics where there is such a major impact on our country, where it is terribly interesting to learn about and where the updates are something I crave. Still, I have no interesting opinions. I have opinions, don’t get me wrong, but they are bland, simple things such as, “boo oil,” “yay birds,” and “boo birds covered in oil.”
Stealing from Benihanna – I just came up with this one, just now, and it actually has all the makings for a beautiful post. First, it’s a pretty good headline. Stealing? Who is stealing? And what are they stealing from this acclaimed restaurant/dinner-show? And yet, I have other things to get to first. Things that have little to do with entertaining the dear, dear fans of ModernSophist.com
Cats – Nearly every day I take some stupid picture of my cats doing god knows what. Sometimes I send these to my lady so she can having a loving, parental laugh. Sometimes, the photos just sit in my phone, waiting to be a massive stain on an otherwise professional bit of scrolling through what I assure most people is a very professional need for owning a BlackBerry. Cats are always entertaining, but it’s a tired topic, at least for now. Stay tuned, however: I’m trying to get my cat to sit in strange places so I can do a curiosity killed the cat photo collage.
WordCampSF 2010 – I attended this huge nerdfest of WordPress users and developers over the weekend. There’s probably lots to say, just not by me. I am a nOOb nerd. Which means I am not interesting enough to talk to normal people about it, because of how nerdy it is, and not interesting enough to talk to other nerds about it, because my nerd rank is a solid double-0-nothing.
My Feelings – I don’t have any feelings about anything. Not even about feelings. Even when I was super exhausted from work and from the nerd day, I didn’t have many feelings about it. I was just generally cranky. See, even now, no real passion for this particular topic.

Long story short, I’ll get back to you.

Modern Sophist 2.0! (up and running again)

Thomas Wood — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 07:49:10 +0000

There’s always going to be more improvements to make but, for now, ModernSophist.com is back up and running again.

How’s it look? You’ll notice a lot of the same features with features on news and podcasts. Mostly I changed the look and tried to make the navigation a lot more visually appealing as well as user friendly. Also, check out the categories. I’ve tried to simplify them with the exception of “The Republic” which is a kind of ModernSophist catch-all. Try clicking on one of the categories from the sidebar and see how great the presentation is of all the pieces.

More stuff to come, I’m sure but, for now, welcome home and welcome back.

Let me know what you think.

Oh, and for those of you bummed on my font selection of Papyrus, boo you. Until someone explains to me why it’s so passe, it seems attractive enough and certainly a good beginning look for ModernSophist.com 2.0

Please Pardon the Mess (Under Construction)

Thomas Wood — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 21:31:34 +0000

I am playing around with a new look to try to streamline this site and make it a lot more appealing. I know a lot of you really liked the look of the last one but I think, once I put the work in, this new version will look and feel a whole lot better. Just starting on it today, but I think I’ve got it so that everything you might want to check out is still accessible. Comment here or email me if you have any questions, concerns, or comments.

Thanks, ModernSophist

Why Organ Donation Wont Kill You

Thomas Wood — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 07:23:03 +0000

Given the recent articles about problems with the donor registry in England, I thought I’d address the most common reason people say they aren’t sure about donation from what’ I’ve heard in America and the American system.

There’s a lot of great reasons one might have to not sign up to be an organ donor. Many of them are religious or cultural in nature. Interestingly enough, many of people’s culture based fears go away once they see how donation can benefit another life, and how benefiting another life fits well with their set of beliefs. So what’s the reason people give me for not wanting to sign up?

“The doctors wont try as hard to save my life if I’m on the donor registry.”

It’s an understandable fear, but not a reasonable one.

Let’s shoot right to the heart of the suspicion: Greed. People think that the hospital or doctors or staff will benefit more from them dying and their organs being transplanted than them being saved. Being in the business, I can see some reason to this. I’ve been told that organ transplantation makes transplant centers a lot of money and I believe it. It’s an expensive operation and it is one which guarantees a patient who will receive a great deal of care before and long after the surgery.

But what most people don’t realize is that there are not many transplant centers. There are not many doctors who deal with transplant. And there is zero chance you will ever encounter anyone directly related with transplant while you are alive. God forbid you have a health problem or major trauma, you will never, in your need to get better, be dealing with anyone in transplant. It just doesn’t work that way.

Respect that the doctors and nurses charged with your care really do want to save your life. They have no interest in your death.

How it does work:

Let’s say something happens to you. Nobody involved in transplant will ever know about it until just before you have reached a point of, medically speaking, no return. This point of no return is brain death, a point in which the flow of blood and oxygen to your brain has ceased. Your brain, as an organ, dies. Your body, what remains of it, is kept working in virtue of machines in the ICU such as IV drips to keep your blood pressures stable and a ventalator to keep you breathing. Brain death is a difficult concept because to the layman’s eye, a person who is brain dead looks much the same as someone who is vegetative or in a coma. There heart is still beating. There body is still warm. But everything abotu who they are as a person with a consciousness, a memory, a personality, and a future is dead. It is only at this point that organ donation moves any degree forward.

Your family will be involved.

Unless you are homeless and have absolutely no family to be found all due dilligence will be given to tracking down your family so that they can consent to organ donation if you haven’t already done so on the donor registry. Though signing up on the donor registry is a legal form of consent, your family will still be involved with the process when the time comes.

It’s that simple. Organ donation will not be addressed by the hospital staff charged with saving your life. If you progress to such a state that the choices are to allow your body to die as your brain has or, first, donate, your family will be consulted first, even if you have registered.

So why register to be a donor?

This is a personal choice, one that entails your examining your own mortality in much the same way as buying life insurance or setting up a will. It is not a choice of how you will die but if, when you do die whether or not that death will have the possibility to help further other people’s lives. Signing up on the donor registry does not guarantee that you will be a donor, but it does indicate to your family, in an official capacity, what your wishes are for when the time comes.

Ask some questions. Think about it. For more information, check out DonateLife.net or ask me.

Messing With Other People’s Porn – The Backlash From TittyCity

Thomas Wood — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 20:23:30 +0000

I think I might have hurt their boners. I’ve pissed a bunch of dudes off on a website/blog called Tittycity.com, which features a lot of exceptional photos of naked girls. Now, there’s a lot of argument. The expression of their anger can be summed up in one of two ways, “you’re not funny,” and “you’re a fag.” But a bunch of other people aren’t so mad. They’ve become readers and commenters here, on ModernSophist.com. Is this a perfect example of pleasing some people and pissing off others? Or did I destroy the sanctity of dudes jerking-off in peace?

I’ve pissed off people before: Phonglehorn hated me doing an adult-themed parody of the Muppets, a few Christians got real bummed on me for critiquing their use of ‘pray’ instead of ‘think’ and, of course, the whole blog started on the back of a wave of hate from the self described minority, disabled, lesbian following over my essay on being a respectful breastman. But I never expected this reaction.

I can totally understand dudes being pissed about some fuckwit (myself, in this case) posting a bunch of rambling, unfunny shit in a way that really takes away from the radness of the nudie photos. But I can’t see that happening here. You can see the photos in full resolution on the home page, so to even see on the comments you have to want to read some comments. And you’re always going to get some asinine commenters (again, myself, in this case).

I’m not that funny, but in the case of TittyCity, I’m the only one trying. I really dig TittyCity. I like it’s straightforward simplicity and how, unlike most sites, I have this suspicion that I’ve met some of the girls as some random bar in the Mission District. But I can only take naked shots so seriously, and it seems like naked photos are just begging for stupid commentary. Maybe it’s not a site that want’s people putting in an opinion not originating from their dick, but I don’t trust my dick when it comes to wit so I stick with the douchebag brain I’ve got.

Meanwhile, I feel like I’ve walked in on some quiet, secret little jerk-sesh that these guys are having. Again, I don’t get why they’re checking the comments if this is the case. Since when is looking up naked photos supposed to be sacred?

(Please note: the below comments section is an excellent place to elaborate on my unfunny, moronical, douchebaggy ways. Please be sure to rate my level of faginess as well.)