Catholic Church to Buy/Convert Neverland Ranch

In a bold move to curtail recent backlash against claims of church-wide pedophilia cover-ups, the Catholic church has offered to buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch and convert it into group home for abused boys.

Said one Vatican representative, “We hear the people calling for reform and that’s why we think the Neverland Ranch will be the perfect venue for re-instilling the faith of these lost boys. Abused boys will be shipped in from all around the world to have a chance to live and work together under the careful supervision of the lord and twenty-seven of our most trusted priests. It’s about learning to love Christ again through innocence, prayer, and a special communion we call “showering for Jesus. For any boys interested in participating we ask that you please write a letter to your local bishop telling us why you think Neverland and Our Holy Father are neat and please be sure to include a photo for our records.”