It’s Friday night and you’re out on the town. ”Man, this place would be really good if it weren’t for all these Douchebags.” What is a Douchebag? Really, who is a Douchebag? What do they look like? And, most importantly, can they be cured? I’ll be exploring this topic in three parts:
The key identifier of a Douchebag is an over-inflated sense of self worth. It’s looking like an idiot, asshole, or complete jerk, while simultaneously feeling like a genius, gentleman, or complete badass. Often times the characteristic of Douchebag is erroneously attributed to the mere pretty-boy or simple asshole, but the true identifier is one of pretentiousness. It’s the show of importance without having any depth. It’s like mixing James Bond’s delivery with Kid Rock’s lyrics. Such a state can be temporary, indeed even momentary – we have all, it seems, been total douches at one time or another – but the true precedents are set by those who are the chronically afflicted, terminal tools.
Some easy ways to recognize a Douchebag on your night out:
- Weekends – ask if it’s Friday or Saturday. If it is, there’s a 65% chance you’re looking at a Douchebag, because Douchebags tend to flock on the weekends.
Boulder Tits – Does the gal with the Douchebag have rock hard fake tits? Can you easily ascertain this from twenty feet because the shirt she is wearing looks like a pillow-case sewn over two bowling balls? Is there a chance that injury might occur were you to bump into said, tits? Dude is probably a Douche.- Covers – Is there a cover at the door but no band? Douchebags love to pay to get into a place. This is based off their theory that places with covers have the sexiest women who only love getting into places for free slightly more than giving out lots of blowjobs to the gentleman who can display the most masculine traits.
Classic Baguettes
(Of course, we have to give them some credit here; these women do exist. They are the Douchebaguettes and, yes, the blowjobs are lovely. )
In Part II, we will look at some more physical characteristics of the common Douchebag.
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