Defining “Douchebags”: Part III – Finding a Cure

In Parts I and II, we discussed how Douchebags are idiots with flare, the pretentious ignorant.  They are the guy in sunglasses, the goatee, the striped shirt, the baseball cap just a touch off center.  They are the big-dick swingers, touting their rock-titted Douchebaguettes.  We all get it.  We all know these guys.  Heck, you might be one of them.  In Part III we will ask, is there a cure?  We believe there is.

Can Douchebags be cured?

The short answer to this is yes, in some cases.  Some experts have recommended punching, stabbing, or mauling (I assume those suggesting this last one intend to bring in a surrogate bear or wolf or something, as opposed to attempting this with their own nails) but they are missing the point.  Douchebags are idiots.  That’s really it.  They are idiots who just don’t, fucking, get it.  This wouldn’t be such a big deal if they weren’t so loud, pushy, and numerous.

My suggestion is to educate them.  But Douchebags don’t take to education naturally.  They treat education roughly the same way as sex; it’s something to be done on someone, not with.  For them, it is about the imposition, not the understanding.  We want them to be able to hear us, to not be distracted by the though “is my nose running?”  (Incidentally, it is.)

The trick, then, is to somehow slip the wisdom in with some seemingly innocuous Douchebag favorite, like so many Rohypnols in a vodka tonic.  Use their “charms,” their affectations, their need for showmanship, against them.

A Few Ways We Could Educate Douchebags

• Get them a tattoo of TS Eliot’s “The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock” in Kanji on their back.  Tell them the symbols have the dual meaning of Peace/War.  Remind them how ‘in’ Peace/War are these days.
• Convince them that, like sunglasses at night, the latest rage in useless evening accessories are umbrellas.  When quizzical look appears, give some half-vague, way enthusiastic shout out to ‘makin’ it rain.’  For extra impact, add hand gestures.  If all goes well, a few will inevitably notice the ridiculousness of it.  Self-Reflection may ensue.
• Offer them crack.  Support their habit until a time when they either die or bottom out.  Encourage rehab.  Again, self-reflection may ensue.
• Stuff their jacket’s pockets with quote from Rumi.  Upon discovery at the bar, they will ask, “What the fuck is this?”  Laud them for incredible taste in poetry.  Remind them how often Rumi got laid.
• Plan next “rager” at a Biology seminar featuring co-discoverer of DNA’s structure, James Watson.  Make sure they know that “Paris” will probably be there later.
• Challenge them to a race around the world.  In Tibet, steal their passport, money, and shoes.  Leave them stranded for seven years.
• Invite them to Vegas.  When they wake up in a bathtub of ice they will discover a beautiful set of tits
• Line their baseball cap with thorns.  When cap is twisted it will give them an appearance of Grace.
• Lock them in a room with Brokeback Mountain for three days until they appreciate the beautiful cinematography of Rodrigo Prieto.

• When they order a drink at a bar, have their tab monitored by a bar-code scanner which will read the cuff of their stripey shirt.  Comment how often accounts are confused.  Casually mention 1984.
• Fill shoes with cat-nip.
• Ask them to join you in friendly, televised debate on the evils of the Holocaust.  When show goes live, be sure they randomly draw the “Pro Nazi” side.  Never let them live it down.
• Put control of all “bling” in control of the Boy Scouts of America.  Bling will then have to be earned through education and community service.
• Mention a trip to an island getaway.  When there, inform them that they are no longer in the tribe.  Hunt them until Piggy dies.  Cry with them when you are rescued.

Related posts:

1. Defining “Douchebags”: Part II – Physical Characteristics
2. Defining “Douchebags”: Part I – Definition and Night Out
3. What To Do When You’re Feeling Low