So it seems I’ve discovered how to create a very lifelike hangover sensation without hardly any booze at all. Normally, I’d want to drink a heckuva lot to achieve this effect. I’d probably start with beer and then move to liquor because, as I’ve been told, after that, I’ll never be sicker. Usually, I find the best hangovers come from super sweet stuff. This is your chardonnay, your sangrias, etc. But today I’ve learned that you can bypass all that wisdom with just a little preparation the day before.
Nothing says hangover like sore, achey muscles. Indeed, that proper, all-over ache is generally pretty hard to achieve without a lot of tequila or vodka mixers. Fear not, my friends, because it turns out that all you have to do is avoid lifting weights with any regularity for about a month. Then, on a day when you’re feeling really good about everything (yesterday, in my case), push yourself in the gym that first day back. Make sure to do at least one more set than normal, and better avoid targeting anything specific. For our purposes, it’s better to do a kind of all around the body workout, haphazardly finding something heavy, and twisting and pushing it around until you can’t anymore. For extra points here, try these two exercises: First, do about 500 variations on the crunch. This will ensure that, by next day, you can’t sit, move, or stand comfortably, no matter the position. Next, do some reverse butterflies to work out those upper back muscles. Since these muscles are generally tense anyway, by the next day, you’ll feel as though you’ve just come from three separate interventions with your drug-addled friends, then done homework, and finally been yelled at by a coworker who’s chasing you with his pet bear. Now that’s some satisfying pain.
But a great hangover isn’t just about muscle ache, we need to take away your spirit too. For this, I suggest bad dreams. Seem tough to engineer yourself? Not with this helpful tip: find a really creepy guy walking around polk street late, late at night. No earlier than 12:30. Now, when he starts telling you his story and getting ready to put that hand out and ask for some money, listen. No no, I’m serious here. I want you to try to respect this man as though he weren’t trying to cheat you. Sure, you know his story is crap…and yes, the logic that he needs 9$ for a bus trip back to new-Orleans is absurd. Yes, fine, that cellphone he keeps pretend-talking-into, yes, it’s turned off. Forget all of that. Listen to him. Look him in the eyes. Take in everything about him and really invest yourself in his story. This will set you up, guaranteed, for a poor night’s sleep. Because no matter what it starts out like, pinguins chasing butterflys, Bette Midler handing you an Emmy, it’s going to end dark and stormy, and with his face about this () goddam close to yours. Now, wake up. The nightmare is over, but the exhaustion has just begun. Besides not having slept enough, your spirit will be a little crushed from fighting off the inner demons his face will stir in you. Enjoy.
Lastly, what hangover would be complete without an upset stomach. This one is, perhaps, the easiest of them all. Instead of having a light or even hearty breakfast, try having something unusual. You’re already sore, sleepy, and disheartened…let’s be adventerous in the kitchen. It seems my specialty was inspired by a small addiction I’m trying to kick: dried, sweetened, chilie mango slices. About six of these on a plate, coupled with a pickle, and served with a glass of tomato juice, will about do it. Yes, it would have made a fine snack in four hours and perhaps a delicacy for kings back in the day. But this little snack’s gonna set a precident for a bad case of GI disharmony for the rest of the day, guaranteed.
So yeah, a couple of drinks the night before, but it was goddam nothing to the perfect storm, cluster-fuck of serindipitous preparations I made to make me just, generally, wholly, feel awful. Please, try it.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
great entry I’m feelin it. I must say I’ll stick to the mild workouts, sorry bubs, and tumz.
I’ve been told that a fried egg with a pube in it is the best cure for a hangover.
32oz. water and 4 aspirin before bed. Bam!! no hangover. As long as you can get 6hr.’s sleep your good to go. But I’m not much of a drinker so try it for your self. Water is the key factor here my friend.. Hydrate.. See i learned something in school.
That sounds about right. I usually go for about that much water and two advil (with two to follow in the morning). The real key for me is heavy meal before I even leave the house at night.
So true my brother. Love the site and good conversation for that matter..