Fairy murders are on the rise nationally as supplies of baby-teeth and baby-laughter are becoming scarce. The latest in a string of violent acts is the result of a horrific battle between the Russian Tooth-Cartel and Colombia’s Baby-Laugh black market.
This latest victim, identified as Sprinkles Alvarez, was a well known lieutenant of the infamous Tooth-Cartel. Police are speculating that she had been trying to organize a massive shipment of baby-laughs when the deal went sour.
Said one agent of the recent sting, “We’ve confiscated the baby laughs. It’s really an incredible volume with an estimated street value of maybe 70 million dollars, more than we’ve ever dealt with, and we’re getting pressure from all sides about what to do with them.”
“A lot of folks say we should just release the baby-laughs into the atmosphere as nature intended, but what they don’t understand is that, most likely, it will just create more fairies and, at this point, that would only increase the pressure of market demand.”
The war over illicit Fairy commodities has been going on for seven years now. Long known to be the source of all Fairly life, baby laughs have, in the past couple of decades, been distributed in brown-paper or plastic bags, popped, and quickly inhaled, engendering a euphoric state referred to on the street as “taking a Barney,” a reference to the bottling process which originated behind the scenes at the eponymous children’s television show.
Though there seem to be, as yet, no long-term affects to this habit for the individuals, it is reducing the overall number of baby-laughs, and therefore the native fairly population. As a consequence, many in the intoxicated state have tried to manually inseminate one another in a crude, messy sex act, commonly known as “winging it.” This attempt at fairy repopulation through manual means has been deemed “sticky, and ironic” by most experts who claim that fairies have no genitals and that no good has ever come from dry-humping.
Meanwhile, baby tooth snorting is on the rise. Once used solely as a form of fairy currency, the snorting of baby teeth is now the number one cause of accidental fairy death. Lilly Shortcakes of the Fairy Dependency Farm in Dayton, Ohio said, “Kids have all kinds of names for toothing that make it seem like it’s not going to kill them, “Nipple’s-Bane, Junior, Gum Drops. I’ve even heard of kids calling it Pacey after that fat-faced kid from Dawson’s Creek with the toothy grin. But this stuff is no joke.”
“Truth is, baby teeth are a bitch to get over,” said one anonymous addict who agreed to come forward. ”I mean, it’s not like life’s any better when you’re not on the tooth; fairy life has never been about joy, but about the hard life of inseminating flowers and adding sparkle to the moonlight. Have you any idea the kind of sciatica you start to develop after a week-straight of sparkling?”
“The real trouble is that baby-teeth is everywhere. I mean, shit, we spend half our time having to collect this stuff and circulate it. It’s like asking a farmer not to handle crops or watching a human crack-head smoke dollar bills. I mean, you gotta love the efficiency of the whole thing, cause there really isn’t much of a middle man. But poison is poison, and once kids go from collecting teeth to crushing it up, it’s an easy slide down down the tulip bulb, if you know what I mean.”
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Have you ever thought about writing a screenplay, Thomas? Did you ever see the movie “What’s Up, Doc?” – starring Barbra Streisand and Ryan O’Neil. It’s set in San Francisco, not far from Nob Hill. Imagine if you wrote a screwball comedy about a “surgical coordinator” whose “part” or “organ” or “junk” got switched in transfer, perhaps in connection with a tenant in your building or at the hospital. You need to see the movie; it’s one of the funniest movies from that classical period of comedy. You could add Gatorade to the mix (KQED interview) for starters. Oh well, they don’t write comedies like that anymore. I’m sure there are enough “characters” in San Francisco to round out the plot. I should know.
Take it easy~!
Danny
I haven’t seen that. But you may be right that a screenplay is in order. I was, for a time, working on a long story about transplant but it was far less zany than what you describe. Trouble is, all the little “woopsie” mechanisms are pretty well thought out in the business, and we do want accuracy, no?
once again brother T. Good stuff.
Thank you, brother.
U R Wellcome. Look forward to our next visit in SF. Soon to come..