ModernSophist.com

Time Travel or Where I’ve Been for Two Weeks…

Thomas Wood — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 09:09:29 +0000

I’ve had a few people, friends, fans (aren’t they all), and enemies, ask where I’ve been lately. The last post was a lame joke about Prince, and that was more than two weeks ago. So here’s an possible explanation for my scant contributions to writer’s land:

Work
Family Illness
Engagement
Entrepreneurship

If none of these basic-life, probably-true reasons interest you, I’ve developed an alternative alibi: I’ve been experimenting with time travel.

Now, stick with me on this one, because it’s tricky. I can’t tell you all of time travel’s secrets but I’ll tell you this much: Time traveling, once you figure out how to do it, is abysmally simple. It basically involves focusing all your thoughts on some particular space/time without wincing at all. Sounds easy, right? Try it. It’s almost impossible to focus on anything, let alone space and time, without contracting the muscles around your eyes. It’s sort of like trying to make somebody spontaneously combust, just with your thoughts.

You’ve done that too, right? Not just me? Or how about trying to do magic without sticking your fingers out all funny like the emperor in Star Wars. Can’t be done. Even now, just thinking of electricity, my fingers tense up and aim towards the first beautiful thing I see.

Point is, I’ve been busy. I will continue to be busy. Let’s just hope that I do a little better job combining this new time traveling busy with the more modern sophism. (Ahem…)

Five Other Things Prince Has Declared: “Completely Over”

Thomas Wood — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 21:09:07 +0000

In a recent interview with the Mirror, Prince declared that the “…internet’s completely over.” He compared it to the weaning popularity of MTV and added that it was a good thing since the internet just “fills your head with numbers.”

Later, behind the scenes, one of his hundreds of (as he likes to call them) ‘song boys,’ discovered a secret list containing other institutions of popular culture that his royal rockness intends to denounce. Here is that list with a transcript of Prince’s commentary about each item:

Twilight Is Completely Over – “Not the books, you fool. The time of day! Twilight, like Prince, is for lovers, yes, but twilight is also for gnats and mosquitoes and Prince does not abide gnats and mosquitoes. In fact, I trust nothing which awakens at twilight. Wait, when do vampires awaken? Bah, then the popular series must end as well!”
Lithium Is Completely Over – “Lithium is a drug and drugs hurt the soul. Cars powered by batteries made of lithium are therefore drugs and hurt the soul. Besides, everyone knows nickel-cadmium is the superior conductor.”
The World Cup Is Completely Over – “Damn your semi-finals! The Spanish have already won. I have spoken with Queen Isabella personally and she assures me the streets of Madrid ‘el ir al partido como él es 1999.’”
John Connor Is Completely Over – “In the resistance against the machines, John Connor will be killed in the year 2030. His end will come not from the terminator which is designated for his assassination but in a freak boating accident on what was once the Gulf of Mexico.”
Babies Are Completely Over – “Babies were actually fad in the 80′s that I started with the song ‘Dirty Mind.’ They will not be in style again until 2013, when I re-inspire the fad with my ‘What You Put In Me’ tour,’ and then only in North America.”

Meat Market

Thomas Wood — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:20:50 +0000

“I get a call on my way to the audition from the agent. He said, ‘What is really important is that you are fuckable.’” – Adrienne Shelley (young actress)

The market showed signs of slowing as news came to light today of a string of weddings. Megan Fox (MFOX) and Carrie Prejean (MSCA) lead the way in a drop-off of fuckability as the former was wed to Brian Austen Green and the latter to some unknown prick this weekend.

A surprise bit of rising for Kristen Stewert (VPR) who’s fuckability rose 4% despite things looking as solid as ever with that tool, Patterson. Analysts suspect that at least part of the rise is due to a report that she is exhausted from her recent press-tour and is therefore more likely to do it with you if you were super slick about it.

Blue chips stock in Sandra Bullock (BULL) has continued in its steady rise, gaining another 1% today as it was announced that the divorce between her and Jessie James was finalized. Though some analysts are concerned that having so much of her back on the open market could lead towards hostile take-over attempts by such douches as K. Reeves or one of those latin actors that is so hot right now, most agree that shares of Bullock (BULL) are prime and a solid buy.

Also a big mover in the market today was the more obscure Amy Locane-Bovenizer (ALB) of former Melrose Place fame. Generally keeping at a meager 7 points of fuckability, due mostly to time out of the spotlight, shares in (ALB) rose 87% today on reports that she was involved in a horrific drunk driving accident that killed a Jersey woman.

When Jimmy Jones, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal, was asked how such disgusting irresponsibility could so dramatically raise the market fuckability of this relatively unknown actress, he confided, “You’ve got two factors at work here. First and simply, any press is good press with a still-young actress. And she don’t look too bad in the photos, you know.”

The second thing,” he continued, “and this is the one you gotta watch for, is that careful period in a young actresses life between the height of her career and her total downfall. What’s at work here is that most guys believe that were that to catch her in that sweet-spot of sheer vulnerability, they might actually have a shot. Britney Spears (SPRS) was up %127 about a week before that whole shaved head incident. Of course it’s only going to be speculators who are willing to touch a stock so inevitably doomed to remain a ‘crazy fuck.’”

iPhone4 Doesn’t Like To Be Touched!

Thomas Wood — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 19:27:20 +0000

It appears that the latest and greatest of iPhones is seriously flawed. ”Woah, buddy, get the fuck off me, alright?” many new iPhones were reported to say to users if they were held too closely. If a user wrapped their hand around the phone while using it, iPhone would just freeze up.

One advanced user who was one of the few to get their hands on one before its official release date released a demo of the problems with freezing up via a Youtube video. ”Camon’ baby, just lemme slide this little ol’ hand down, round, here…there, see, now, that’s nice, isn’t it?”

iPhone: “I don’t know, mister. Really, I don’t know if I should.”

User: “Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit a contact between us…oh, hey, now, stop your crying, iPhone.”

iPhone: ”No, mister, don’t hold me like that.”

User: ”Camon now…don’t be like that. It’s just a little hand holding you good and…now hey. I’m serious now. You keep that data connection running. Baby, you’re asking for it.”

Analysists are baffled by what seems to be a serious and obvious design flaw. ”It’s like iPhone was dropped on it’s head or something. I mean, the phone is clearly asking for it, so we can’t figure out why they go all cold and useless in your hand like that.”

Thought of the Day: Penis Research

Thomas Wood — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 10:50:26 +0000

About two or three times a month I walk through the OR of this one hospital in San Francisco. Each time I do I pass by this innocuous poster that features some bit of research or information. Picture the background of a highschool science competition exhibit, all cardboard and super-glue. So I walk by this poster and, every single time, I see a penis. Now, having looked closer at the poster: I know, rationally, that it is NOT a Penises. But that is all I can see.

Maybe this is a Rorshcach type thing, and part of me wants to see a penis. Maybe its like how a huge portion of our visual cortex is meant for faces, which is why we see faces in clouds and potato chips and rocks. That would mean part of our brain is dedicated, just for penises.

All if this is just a way for me to express some of the research I feel this hospital ought to be pursuing.

Which Ghostbuster Are You?

Thomas Wood — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 01:38:11 +0000

People love analyzing the Ghostbusters, in part, because they represent many of the myriad sub-classes of nerds. Asking yourself which Ghostbuster you are like is really asking, “What kind of nerd am I?” Because you’re reading this, chances are, you’re one of these five class of nerd in some respect or another. Let’s look at the different classes and see where you fit.

Egon Spangler -

The Stoic Genius: You spend your afternoons tinkering with particle accelerators. When you masturbate, it is scheduled and documented for duration, consistency and given either a smiley-face or gold-star, depending on what the the P.K.E meter indicates. Ever the genius, you would have drilled a hole in your head if you thought it would advance science. You’re the guy all brainy kids want to be like, because you’re not bad looking and seem to be totally comfortable with what was sure to have been a poor grade in 4th grade gym-class. Men respect your authoritative stance on all things cross-stream related. Women suspect that you’re hung like a Sumerian overlord.

Peter Venkman -

The Cocky Wit: While the other’s are bogged down at the lab, you’re investigating the deeper mysteries of a scotch glass. You’ve spent your whole life in academia, testimony of your drive to discover, disseminate and date most of the undergraduate student-body. You grasp the gravity of every situation and are pretty sure it’s possible to work a pun about gravity into a come-on, if only you weren’t too busy dealing with “dickless over here.”

Ray Stantz -

The Driving Force: You’re the butt of every joke, but that’s only because you just stepped in something. Viewed from another perspective, you’re leading the way. You are the true nerd of the bunch, bold, unabashed and unafraid of any social ramifications, even if that means explaining the boner you got from the sexy-ghost wet-dream. If there’s slime, you play with it. If there’s a ghost lady, you get her or let her get you. When everyone else is afraid to choose the destructor, you’ve got the guts to harken back to a more innocent time when a marshmallow man meant sitting around the fire at camp Waconda. Also, you smoke, and smoking is cool.

Winston Zeddmore -

The Black Guy: You are, at best, peripheral. People will spend an hour talking about you, digging up obscure lines or potential sub-plots exactly because they are afraid that the only memorable thing about your character is that you happened to be black. What’s important about your character isn’t what you contribute, but how ancillary you really are. Because of this, other nerds will adore you in what I would like to call the “Bobba Fett” phenomenon. That is, because there isn’t much to say, those nerds who pride themselves on being the most obscure, the most esoteric, will flock to your few recognizable accomplishments. In essence, you are testimony of their snobbery, and so will probably grow in legend throughout time. You are Nerd-by-Proxy. It’s not that you don’t matter, just that you don’t matter to any of us.

Louis Tully -

Idiot Savant: Half man, half genius, half idiot, you are fifty percent sure that what you’re doing at any given moment can be written off as a business expense. Always the optimist, you didn’t mind being turned into a dog, realizing that it could have been much worse as it was “during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants…” You’re very good with children, and women tend to adore your innocence. If only the world understood your depths, the things you’ve seen and felt, knowing, as so few do, how “many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day.”

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Hipster V. Shark

Thomas Wood — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:30:36 +0000

Since time immemorial, scholars have debated, Hipster or shark? With any reckoning, the real question is where the two would meet. The ocean or the city? Hipsters can’t swim and sharks abhor irony. Neither will do.

Perhaps their fabled battleground would have to be at the beach, where both are at significant disadvantage. On the beach, Hipsters, without their style and accessories, are left naked to the elements, revealing their true nature as skinny dorks. On the beach, sharks die.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Afghanistan Now Rich, Buys Miami Timeshare

Thomas Wood — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:37:56 +0000

With the discovery of over a trillion dollars worth of lithium under its soil, Afghanistan has announced today that it will be moving its entire population to Miami Beach, Florida. The move comes as a surprise to many who believe the Afghanis naturally prefer their desert homeland.

In an announcement today, President Karzai said, “Are you kidding me? Who likes the goddam desert? I already prepaid for my timeshare yesterday and we are moving forward with plans to get everyone else in by mid-August.”

Yet others are still in disbelief. Said one high-ranking member of the US Department of State, “We never saw this coming. We knew that, in their heart of hearts, the Afghanis were a sea-going people, but most of our analysis indicated that they would most likely settle in Barbados or another of the Caribbean islands. We even had one model that showed a sixty percent chance they would simply import most of whats remaining of the Six Flags Theme Parks, which of course includes Great Escape Water Park.”

Afghanistan Discovers Lithium, Entire Middle-East Stabilizes

Thomas Wood — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:05:51 +0000

Reports have been coming in that, since the discovery of massive lithium deposits in the more troubled regions of Afghanistan, the entire Middle-East seems to have stabilized. Said one veteran war reporter, “I can’t really describe it. First, nothing happened. Everyone was still fighting. Everywhere, people were still shouting and yelling and burning things. Then, gradually, almost at the same pace as the sunrise, it was like everyone just…how to put it…like they just chilled the fuck out.”

Indeed, effects of the mood stabilizing mineral are being felt all over the entire region. Simon Smythe of the BBC Cairo said, “We always knew Iran was manic-depressive. I mean, comon, ninety percent of modern fatwas are basically a bunch of clerics coming down off one of their big weekends. They even fatwa-ed that bloody kids game, Pokemon, but only after Khamenei went on a three-day card trading bender trying to capture the Raikou monster. Still, we could never have suspected that Bi-Polar disorder was so massive and total in the region, affecting each country in its own terrible way.”

But some claim not to be so surprised. One professor of Sociology from the University of Tehran who agreed to speak under conditions of anonymity said he has long suspected a ubiquitous state of Middle-Eastern Bi-Polar Disorder. ”Of course, this explains a lot, that the lithium would have such immediate effects. At least we have the proof now. Still, we should have at least suspected Israel was a little manic after they ditched the last bi-lateral peace talks with Palestine, mid-lunch mind you, and were discovered, two months later, holed up with a Slavic prostitute named Irene who was supposed to have really ‘got them.’”

Though it is still too early to see if this broad stabilization will remain, experts are optimistic. Said the sociologist, “Yes, I think finally, with the mood swings coming into balance, we can finally start delving into some of the deeper issues, especially getting to the bottom of who touched Saudis growing up.”

Gulf Coast Beaches Get a Pity Lay

Thomas Wood — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 03:21:39 +0000

The Washington Post and I have the same idea on the future of Gulf Coast states tourism: First, it’s not going to come so much from folks eager to get into the water. Second, if they work hard enough at it, I’ll bet they can get some folks to come out specifically for a chance to be a part of the whole oil spill deal.

Think of the promotions. ”This seasons, why not teach your kids the meaning of ‘giving back.’” Individual states could promote special “responsibility” packages that come with airfare and rubber gloves.

Of course the problem is obvious. While certain people might find such ‘give back’ vacations appealing, the broader population will shy away from anything resembling work. That’s why we should somehow combine tourism with work-ethic.

My proposal: Instead of fencing off the border-states, simply make the fences channel people into the gulf-coast area and offer work-visas for anyone who helps clean up for a month. Sound like indentured servitude? Maybe it is, but such ‘tourists’ would be welcome to leave any time they like, and would even be permitted to take back all the tar balls they can carry.