Final Votes of Passed Health Care Cast By Four Horsemen of Apocalypse

The much debated Health Care Bill, the main domestic issue of the Obama Administration, was passed today in the House by a vote of 219 to 212, with the final, “swing,” votes being cast by the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Said one aid to House Speaker Pelosi, “We were confident we had it right but, in all honesty, it really didn’t come together until we had the votes of the four horsemen.”

Noted by the colors of their horses and the horror they precede, the four horsemen, White, Red, Black and Ashen, were hailed by some as forerunners in a long line of courageous lawmakers who will no doubt set the trend for our nation’s future for generations to come. Rep. Thomson of St. Helena was overheard saying, “Today’s success is one of compromise. Millions will be insured, yes, but we have also heeded the needs of the harbingers of Conquest, War, Famine and Death. We want to show that those needs are represented in this bill as well. And really, of the four, I have to say, it was Death who led the way. Most Democrats had believed that the bearer of the scythe would favor a bill which supported federal funding for abortion. Who were we to imagine that it is only the mature soul, racked by the agonies of a lifetime of hopes and regrets, that satisfies his wrathful charge. He had us on the run with that one, gnawing on the bones of fornicators in consideration right up until the final vote.”

Republicans, meanwhile, were mostly reticent about the final votes. One representative, who agreed to speak under condition of anonymity, addressed his concerns. ”It’s not that we don’t hail the coming of the bringers of The Lord’s righteous will, but that we truly believe this bill will have irrevocable fiscal repercussion that could really hurt the average family’s shot at eternal salvation. We think that Obama, a known Muslim, never respected that. What it comes down to, though, is should we, in these times of financial insecurity, really be passing a bill that lays a trillion dollar debt upon our eternal souls, virtually guaranteeing damnation, not to mention the total lack of tort reform?”

Much is yet to be seen of the will of these four horsemen of the apocalypse but they have, today, clearly shown their will to usher in an age of universal healthcare as well as their inevitable promise of the blessed rapture. God bless America.