Greece Proposes Conquest of Troy to End Debt

Greek officials today announced a plan to raise funds for the debt ridden nation by reconquering the ancient city of Troy. Said one official, “We need to get back to our roots because everything we’ve tried so far isn’t working. What we need is fresh source of capital. So we though, ‘Wait a second. The problem isn’t us, it’s this ridiculous modern system of trade and profit. Why should we be exchanging any goods at all when we have such a rich history of just taking them. Reconquering Troy will provide us with exactly the kind of minor-loss, no-exchange revenue that will balance this budget properly.”

But not everyone is so optimistic about the plan. One leader of the powerful Pireus Union said, “Sure, we’re very proud of our heritage, but what about the costs to the citizens. Surely we should not have to fight such a war ourselves. Therefore, we are proposing the hiring of Moorish mercenaries.”

But the government isn’t having it. Later in the day the finance minister responded by saying, “Jesus Christ people. Don’t you goddam get it? There isn’t any money coming in but people still feel like they can have it all. If we raise taxes, the people revolt. If we cut services, the people revolt. We try to focus that rage into a perfectly reasonable, win-win conquest scenario, and they start to complain of foot cramps. What’s the bloody point of conquering Troy if we’re just going to give all the money to other people to fight it?”

Still others say that the Greek plan is less than optimal, siting ancillary costs of waging a war and the fact that the wealthy city-state of Troy hasn’t existed in over two-thousand years.