Health-Care Summit: GOP Demands Coke in The Water Fountains

The White House Summit on Health-Care will take place Thursday morning, and GOP officials say they are revving up for a real discussion. There are a lot of opinions on this. Their latest demand, “We’re going to need some promises on having Coca-Cola in hospital water fountains.”

Long a disputed measure, the Coke-Fountain Initiative has brought heat from both sides of the aisle. Said one GOP representative, “We just don’t see how we’re going to be able to move forward on this bill without some concessions from the Democrats. And all we’re saying is, put the Water Fountain Coke on the table, and we’ll see how it moves from there.”

Democrats have been arguing against such an initiative for weeks. I a recent interview, a spokesman for Senator Reid said, “Fucking Absurd. I mean, really? Cause I don’t even know why you’d ask me about this Coke in the Water Fountain bullshit. I mean, camon’, seriously guys? That’s the kind of shit a third grader offers in class election, and even he’s joking.”

Timmy Ramirez, incumbent candidate for Mrs. Taylor’s third-grade class, disputes that. In an interview outside Washoe Elementary in Reno, Nevada he said, “Look, Tom, may I call you Tom? I’ve been hearing a lot of talk, from both sides, about the quote/unquote “healthcare efficacy” of the Coke Fountain proposal. I can assure you that I’ve had some of the top minds in my administration look over the figures and they all add up; this isn’t us just giving our constituency what it wants. This is good for everybody. Why, just yesterday I got a report from Jill Nooner, a very bright, diligent second-grader, who is heading my health-care committee, which indicated to me that school nurse visits are down 9% since we installed Coca-Cola in Mrs. Taylor’s classroom water fountain. I think that’s a real indicator of the kind of results such responsible, preventative measures can bring. And remember, Tom, we’re keeping this open to the market, allowing bids from Hawaiian Punch, Seven-Up and have plans to consider some organic sodas for the future. And let’s keep this in mind when we’re talking figures. Those aren’t just numbers, Tom, those are children.”