How To Fix American “Obesity”

America is fat, sorry, obese, and we’re mad as hell about it. I’ve figured out how to fix this. The answer to ridding America of obesity? Change the language. We all know the age-old chubby girl trick of calling a fat girl pleasantly plump and telling your overweight husband that there is more of him to love. But these methods are trite. We need a systemic change. We need to get to the core of the obesity problem: We need to change the measurements.

This plan came to me when I went to try on a pair of scrubs in a hospital in one of the heavier cities of California. Their medium was huge on me. Back home, I barely fit into a medium. Here, I was swimming in it. The answer was that they had downsized all their measurments. Extra large people were now large. XXXL were now just an XL. And just like that, a lot less people were fat

Step one: No more Calories.

We’re going to have to drop the word ‘calories’ altogether. I get that it’s a reliable way to measure the value of a food’s impact on a body, but it’s not getting us any sexier, is it? My suggestion, fatty, calorie heavy foods need to develop a term that reinforces our positive, American values of optimism and creativity.

Introducing the 75 Cutie plan:

In the 700 Cutie plan, the FDA shall switch the measuring scale from calories to our new, improved unit for food-energy measurement, the Cutie. The Cutie, which equals roughly 26.7 calories, will measure how adorable a food will make you. More cuties, therefore, equals more to love, so that instead of cutting 3500 calories to shed one pound of fat we can endeavor to add 131 cuties to our beauty folds. See? The change is already happening!

Other Measurement Changes:

Grams of Fat - Hugs of Love: As in, this twinkie contains seventeen hugs of love.

Sodium – Mystery: Salt makes me think of the desert, and all the mystique of ancient Arabia. My tomato soup, therefore, has 700 milligrams of mystery.

Saturated Fat – True Love: Since fat is love, saturated fats like the ones we get with butter and bacon are the truest of them all.

CARBS – Sweetness!: This one’s easy. I like to have a bag of sour-patch kids which have a sweetness measurement of 38. Isn’t that terrific!

Ingredients:

High Fructose Corn Syrup – Patriot Juice: America is built off of corn and corn products. And since America is #1, let’s show off our pride in our #1 ingredient!

Maltodextrine – Fresh Powder – We don’t need all those fancy chemical names, do we? Let’s inspire our ingredients with a little athletic flavor. Nothing says health like a day on the slopes of flavor country.

Salt – Spice – Everyone likes spices. Now, I’m not sure what a spice is, but isn’t it supposed to be great for flavor? That’s why I put this spice on EVERYTHING.

rBGH – Body Good: Though bovine growth hormone is not, precisely, a ingredient, it’s getting a lot of flack for making it’s way into our beef and dairy supply. But isn’t this wonderful compound making our cows more productive? Making sure our cows are super-sized with Body Good hearkens back to pleasant memories of milk commercials that inspired me to grow up healthy and strong.