How to Survive Bay to Breakers

Update!: Once again, Bay to Breakers is being threatened as they try to sanitize the event down to a family friendly PG level. Find out more and help support the protest for good, clean, adult fun. This institution is one of the last precious events of its kind in San Francisco. The first step to surviving Bay to Breakers is helping to preserve it by showing your support and being a fun-loving, respectful participant. Please learn more at http://www.savebay2breakers.org/.

This will be my sixth year doing Bay to Breakers here in San Francisco. I’ve compiled a few helpful tips for how to survive and make the best of it.

Eggs – The morning of the race, you’ll want to have eaten at least five of these for two reasons: One, they are pretty decent at keeping the booze and alcohol poisoning down and, two, when the inevitably come back up, they are slightly less gross than the pasta you ate the night before.
Take Your Pants Off – Simply put, you cannot properly participate in this “race” with pants on. For most, this will mean a variation on short-shorts. For the true connoisseur, this means walking around hopelessly in the Tender-Loin four hours after the race is over, wearing only your underwear and a smile, as you nervously search for the one girl in your group who you swear was right next to you when you both decided to go off on your own in search for a quieter place to pee.
Warn The Big Guy – Towards the end of the race, when the guy who is bigger than you picks you up and decides to spin you around in celebration, be sure to warn him at least five seconds before you throw up onto his back. He’ll appreciate this gesture, and will look back at the moment with respect as he tries desperately to shower off whatever you did or did not eat for breakfast (see above advice).
Take Your Top Off - It’s hot outside, and that itchy, itchy bra isn’t helping anyone. Worried your co-workers/ex/friends/family/general-population-of-the-male-race will see your tits on some Flickr page? Don’t, they will, but Bay to Breakers is about fun and freedom and not worrying about what other people eventually masturbate to, and did I mention how hot it was?
Bring a Flag – You and your fifteen other friends will stay together, right up to the point when you have your third beer. That’s why our group always brings a flag. This makes for an easy point of reference for everyone to find when they inevitably drift off. Plus it identifies the flag bearer as a responsible leader, who most definitely will not post that topless photo of you on his Facebook page later in the afternoon.
Sunscreen – Don’t forget your genitals. Even if you think there is zero chance they will be exposed to the elements, trust me, if you forget the sunscreen down there the once, you never will again.