“I get a call on my way to the audition from the agent. He said, ‘What is really important is that you are fuckable.’” – Adrienne Shelley (young actress)
The market showed signs of slowing as news came to light today of a string of weddings. Megan Fox (MFOX) and Carrie Prejean (MSCA) lead the way in a drop-off of fuckability as the former was wed to Brian Austen Green and the latter to some unknown prick this weekend.
A surprise bit of rising for Kristen Stewert (VPR) who’s fuckability rose 4% despite things looking as solid as ever with that tool, Patterson. Analysts suspect that at least part of the rise is due to a report that she is exhausted from her recent press-tour and is therefore more likely to do it with you if you were super slick about it.
Blue chips stock in Sandra Bullock (BULL) has continued in its steady rise, gaining another 1% today as it was announced that the divorce between her and Jessie James was finalized. Though some analysts are concerned that having so much of her back on the open market could lead towards hostile take-over attempts by such douches as K. Reeves or one of those latin actors that is so hot right now, most agree that shares of Bullock (BULL) are prime and a solid buy.
Also a big mover in the market today was the more obscure Amy Locane-Bovenizer (ALB) of former Melrose Place fame. Generally keeping at a meager 7 points of fuckability, due mostly to time out of the spotlight, shares in (ALB) rose 87% today on reports that she was involved in a horrific drunk driving accident that killed a Jersey woman.
When Jimmy Jones, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal, was asked how such disgusting irresponsibility could so dramatically raise the market fuckability of this relatively unknown actress, he confided, “You’ve got two factors at work here. First and simply, any press is good press with a still-young actress. And she don’t look too bad in the photos, you know.”
The second thing,” he continued, “and this is the one you gotta watch for, is that careful period in a young actresses life between the height of her career and her total downfall. What’s at work here is that most guys believe that were that to catch her in that sweet-spot of sheer vulnerability, they might actually have a shot. Britney Spears (SPRS) was up %127 about a week before that whole shaved head incident. Of course it’s only going to be speculators who are willing to touch a stock so inevitably doomed to remain a ‘crazy fuck.’”
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…Yikes. Even in facetiousness, such attention to celebrity almost induced vomit. This was a bit of a hollowing and depressing read. :/
No offense to you. I just seem to be constantly reminded why building my own cabin and retiring in the woods Thoreau-style always seems like such a good idea. I am so tired of hearing about polymeric-faced freaks.
I should probably add more of an explanation. Sorry for the short and cryptic post. I had just woken up.
You are absolutely right in comparing them to stock. That’s why it was so depressing.
The hollywood industry terrifies me in the same way Doritos terrify me. Megan Fox is actually a perfect example of this. She is beautiful- certainly attractive…just as Doritos generally taste good. And why are these things appealing to us? Because research has been done to find out what people respond to. And if these things are rare or hard to come by naturally, companies create ways to achieve their goal by all means necessary. Just think for a second about what is in an actual Dorito. Despite his endorsement, even Stephen Colbert said “…that’s not food, that’s chemistry”. What started out as an actual food product, became a ‘like-food’ product. Megan Fox was beautiful before her plastic surgery, but now she’s a beacon of creation…of human engineering. She is still admittedly attractive, but just the concept alone is enough to send chills down my spine when I see her face on magazines. She is a ‘like-human’ product.
Catering human beings to suit a need…an innate and animalistic one. One that you already called. Fuckability.
This is what we, as a culture, are doing with scientific advancement, with our bodies. That is what was depressing to me.