Miner’s Lettuce prices hit a record high today at five-hundred dollars per pound following the recent methane explosion at the Upper Big Branch mine in West Virginia. Said one official at the Chicago Commodities Exchange, “This horrible accident at the mine is really just the tipping point for the price run on Miner’s Lettuce. Really, though, we’ve been facing a lettuce shortage like this for years.”
Miner’s lettuce, unlike most lettuce which is grown and harvested, is actually pulled from the earth in lettuce mines, typically in the black hills of West Virginia. Tom Stampley is the head of the 827th branch of the Lettuce Miner’s Union. ”It’s good work, minin’ lettuce. My family’s been down there, plucking at the lettuce veins, looking for that sweet, green gold, for near on six generations now. But most folks don’t appreciate the work that’s gone into it. They think they’re having a nice salad, when what they’re really eating is the sweat from a young lettuce miner who’s probably two years away from developing cabbage lung, some poor guy who’s probably dog-tired from having to fight off the rock bunnies who live beneath the mountain. We just want people to know that the lettuce they’re eating is the blood of this proud state, sorta like a communion, you know, like if you were to get one of them crackers at church but then, instead of washing it down with wine, you were to wash it down with Miner’s Lettuce. Course, then you’d want to call it Blood Lettuce, wouldn’t you, on account of it being like the blood of Christ and all. Point is, we’re proud.”
(Incidentally, my heart goes out to the actual miners caught in the explosion. It’s really horrific, the circumstances, the safety violations, all of that, and I really feel for them and their families. Oh, and the whole “miner” dialog doesn’t in any way reflect on actual miners. It’s just a joke, fantasy, Lettuce Miner. Based off of nobody but the muse inside my head.)
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
In all seriousness, where did this picture come from and what is the real story behind it? Who in their right mind is paying $500 per lbs for lettuce?!?!
I’m glad you asked, Stranger. (I didn’t want to break up the tone of the piece any more consider it had two tones – joke bit and somber bit- already).
If you blow the photo up you will see that it actually says $5.00. But the stall person did a crap job of making that clear to where I saw $500 (I’m assuming everyone else did too). What’s the bloody point of the decimal anyway? I mean, it’s not like we need the.00, as though this is an active commodity, as though the price might fluctuate to $5.25 over the weekend. Hence my thinking of it in terms of a sensitive market price disturbed by the mine explosion.
comedy!
Do you think heads of lettuce will roll over Massey’s safety record?
Cute. If this crap lettuce joke catches on you’ll be in the lead for clever comments