“His parents must have hated him.” Hate your kid? Why waste eighteen years on pent up resentment and exhausting emotional abuse, when you can pretty much wreck any chance of a successful life with one cavalier swipe of your pen across the Birth Certificate name-line. Here’s a few ideas for how to ensure your kid has all the advantages of a day-one loser.
- White Kid/Black Name:
Remember some years back when everyone was talking about all the ridiculous names coming out of the hood? This is your Shaniqua, your LaQuanda, and your Elizabeth, but spelled with three 8s. I can’t comment on the quality of these originals but I can guarantee you the life-long curse your baby girl will feel if she’s a white girl who has to account for this. A name like this upsets everyone. ”Who does that ho think she is?”
- The Not So Subtle Star Trek Reference:
Not even a male porn star would have the balls to pull off a Riker Q. Picard. Want more subtle, let’s try Jean Luc LaForge. It’s French, right?
- The John Johnson:
This one’s for the real assholes who find alliteration clever. Just double up on the last name and you’re pretty much set to raise a little, Republican, douchebag. Oh, and just try to stop the coke habit of a guy named Erik Erikson, or Tom Thompson. Can’t be done.
- Hodgepodge:
You’ve read the works of Kahlil Gibran besides “The Profit,” and how best to demonstrate that then by giving your kid seven uber sensitive, obscure, poetic names to deal with before you even get to their surname. How about Kona Madrigal Gatsby? Too obvious? Maybe Holden Bret Descartes. Your kid will excel in their liberal arts degree and learn to pay bills on time roughly in their forties.
- The Noun:
Your a celebrity prick, and even when your kids do finally learn to escape the spotlight and try to grow up as regular pooping, crying, loving people, you’re going to choose some retarded, common noun that will ensure they have to fight for normalcy with every human being they encounter. How about Apple, like Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid, or Cher’s little Chastity. And I get that names mean things in other cultures, but in America, a name shouldn’t reference fruit. Apparently my driver, Barak’s name means lightning in Hebrew or something, but that is only pulled off because I don’t think of goddam lighting every time I regard him. People make a first impression of you in under twenty seconds. You want to really fuck a kid? Give them a name so unnatural that it will take five years for any human to come to terms with the introduction. ”Ah, nice to meet you Porchlight Pitt.”
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