New Study Reports Spanking Bad For Kids, Great For Cardio

A new study out of Tulane University reports that though spanking children leads to more aggressive children, it also gives a terrific boost to your cardio program. “We’re very excited about these results,” said one researcher, ” because spanking your kids just twice a day is roughly the equivalent of a twenty minute jog. We’re not sure yet but we think it’s something to do with the rage the parents are imparting on their little ones. And it’s a real boon that such anger doesn’t just dissipate. We are seeing this increase in rage/cardio activity for days after the initial spanking.”

The researcher went on to say, “We want to take this study further to find out what the health benefits are of all kinds of spanking, like spanking at the gym and chasing your children who are running away from a spanking.”

“But the real excitement is that we think this will open a whole new study into the health benefits of punishing your kids. Currently, we’re working on designing a “spank-break” for working parents. Just ten minutes of giving a good spanking in the middle of your busy work day can really break up the stress. Other upcoming studies include the correlation between a lower risk of Alzheimer’s and verbally abusing your teenage daughter as well as spicing up your love life involved by giving time-outs.”