“Oh my god, like, Karzai, just totally stole Afghanistan”

I know most of you people don’t entirely care about Afghanistan.  That’s fine.  From what I’ve read, even a lot of Afghanis don’t care about Afghanistan.  That’s not to say they’re a particularly uncaring lot, only that the people, who tend to be very tribal and focused on their individual regions/sects/groupings, etc, can’t always be bothered by the big picture.  But Gossip!  Gossip should be interesting to anyone, across all party lines, across all nations.  Gossip is the glue of social pettiness, which is the birth of every good story.  So here’s the latest, put in simplest terms since none of us really care:  That dude, karzai, total ass, pretty much stole the country.  I also hear he’s probably some kind of fag.

Alright, little backstory.  There were these elections, right?  Pretty big deal cause it was gonna be the first time the Afghani people would have a chance to really vote and try out that whole Democracy, Smemocracy stuff, okay?  And there’s basically these two guys running, Karzai, who was already the acting Presnit (sort of just this puppet put in place but not a total douche) and then the Foreign affairs fellow with the unfortunate double-trouble name of Abdullah Abdullah or A2 as his homies call him.

So the elections happen, and it’s huge landslide for Karzai, big party, everyone gets fuggin’ wasties in the presidental pool.  Meanwhile, some friggin guy blows his load on the mess that was the tallying, and everyone figures that, woah, no fucking way, this election was kinda rigged.  So we’re not totally sure if it was Karzai, or somebody for karzai but there were like, I don’t know, over a million votes that the UN figures were forged ballots or whatever.  All this, basically, I mean basically it all means that Karzai (corrupt little piggy that he is who should put the hotdog down and get back on the Tmill for some joggin) isn’t really the winner.  Nobody is.  So they decide to have a runoff.

An election runoff in Afghanistan is kinda like the walk-off in Zoolander.  See, even though there’s supposed to be some fairness, everyone knows that the DJ is totally false and rigged, and, no kidding, there’s all kinds of pissy bitches who are like, “Uh, hell no, you are totally not voting, and if you even do, or think you might, or anything, we’ll cut your tits off, and feed them to that pussy of a dog you call a pet.”  So yeah, kinda tense, right?

Well, then the other guy, A2, he’s like, “Dude, F-this.  You’ve got the same bitches running this thing who messed it all up the first time.  So hell no.”

So the big news today:  Goddam A2 just drops out. Yeah, he’s gone.  So those dudes, who were kinda fraudulent in the first place, well they’re all like, “Um, well, since A2 is out, and we’ve only got Karzai to run, we better not have a walk-off, or whatever, and, um, I’m a complete jerkface so, um, I guess karzai wins.  yay and shit!”  Yeah, that happened.

And everyone’s all like, um, way lame guys.  fucking pull it together already.

Recap for the intelligent:  The Afgani Election Comittee today announced that Karzai was the officially elected president after his only rival, former Foreign Affairs minister, backed out of the scheduled runoff, scheduled for this Saturday saying that he would not participate in an election where the same people who were fraudulent the first time were again, tabulating the results.

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