Modern Sophist

The History and Future of Friendship

January 13, 2011

In the beginning, nobody had more than two friends. Indeed, having even three friends was considered terribly unwise; the logic being that, though one could keep an eye on two people quite easily during a gazelle hunt, one was never too sure where the devil that third fellow had gone. More often than not, due [...]

Islamagood

January 12, 2011

Islam needs to become the next great exercise fad. It wont work to expect regular American folks to slowly develop a tolerance, understanding, and appreciation for it and its myriad followers. We need a gimmick. Because America doesn’t like to understand; it likes to respond. We need it sold to us, placed on shelves at [...]

“Stop Looking At My Tits (photos)”

January 11, 2011

“Um, hello, asshole, I’m up here!” That’s right, I’m more than just a great set of tits: I have thoughts and feelings and wisdom too. Because, so far, I’m getting more attention for the one set of tit photos I happened to post than pretty much all of my other writing/content combined. And they’re crap [...]

Why Black-Belts Are Useless

January 10, 2011

Here’s the trouble with having a black-belt in karate or any other martial art: It’s the only goddam belt. People tout a black-belt as though there are levels of belts to go through, as though having a black belt were the pinnacle of some great journey and that, having attained a black belt, there is [...]

Nerd Party

January 6, 2011

Whilst unwrapping a massive, new monitor for their office. “Dude, you want to get high? Like, no, seriously, really, really high?” “Fuck off, man! That shit is dangerous. And you start this shit up every time we buy some new hardware. I’m sick of it. When are you going to start getting serious about this [...]

The Scary Piss

January 5, 2011

You know that moment we’ve all had where you blindly, automatically walk towards some goal? It’s a familiar route that you’ve taken a hundred times before. And, of course, it’s dark. And so you don’t really look, don’t really notice until, just inches away, you look up and are shocked by this large, formidable presence [...]

“I am” (Insert Stupid Nickname)

January 4, 2011

I met this guy, a limo driver, out in Redding, California. He introduced himself as Diamond Dave. As in, “Nice to meet you, I’m Diamond Dave.” He meant it too. I called him Dave once, said, “thanks, Dave,” actually, and he corrected me. He wanted to make sure I inserted the Diamond part in there. [...]

That’s So “Sajak!”

January 3, 2011

I’m going to start calling things “sajak.” Yes, as in Pat Sajak. It’s the perfect term to describe things that are safe and friendly and that white people really like. But “sajak” has a deeper meaning: calling something “sajak” means that some hip, popular trend has become fully gentrified. It will signify something’s complete saturation [...]

Diagnosis “Featuring Snoop Dogg”

December 29, 2010

In the future, the phrase, “featuring Snoop Dogg,” will be a common amendment to any medical condition with symptoms of heavy chills. “It appears you may be suffering from Whooping Cough featuring Snoop Dogg,” your doctor will inform you. It will take years for such a diagnosis to be refined. At first, doctors will be [...]

“Do Websites Ever Get Paranoid?”

December 27, 2010

“Ahh, get all of these bots off of me! Can’t you see them? I’m freakin’ out man! I’m covered in little, crawly bots!” - Any publicly available website. Some time in the future websites will get all freaked out. They’ll be out one night with a few users, having a little too good a time [...]

M3 Ep. 2 – Auditions

December 23, 2010

About how funny it is to imagine talking to one person when I’m all alone, nearly drunk, at 3am.

Podcast: Play in new window

Twitter Users Similar to Me

December 22, 2010

Twitter has started telling me I’m like a lot of people. Sure, Twitter says a lot of shite, but within any constant stream of bullshit you’re bound to hear a few things that interest you. Dr. Drew and I have a lot in common. Of course, I already knew this. We’re both, like, super smart [...]

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