Postal Service Offers Cost Cuts With New, “Deliver It Your Damn Self” Program

As the US Postal Service posted yet another massive loss to its revenue this February, many of its leaders are calling for some radical, cost cutting programs. Among them, “Deliver It Your Damn Self,” a program designed with the goal of a zero overhead in mind. Said a USPS spokesperson Monday, “It’s really a terrific program and we think citizens will feel pretty good about the simplicity of it. Why hassle with all the trouble of finding a place to get stamps, having to open your wallet, pay for them, then there is that mess of trying to adhere the little buggers to the actual paper. Oh, and we get it, nobody has the time to write out a three-line address anymore. Why, just the other day, my seven-year-old had to be rushed to the Emergency department when she fainted from heat-stroke writing out all five digits in her grandmother’s zip-code.

“We also realize it’s asking a helluva lot to put those letters in the actual mail box. See this, that’s a stress fracture, caused by the massive load of pulling those mail-slot levers wide enough to fit an envelope. That’s why we’ve created the “Deliver It Your Damn Self” Program. Instead of all the complication of paying less than fifty cents to have your letter delivered anywhere in the goddam country, citizens will have all the benefit of self-reliance. And forget about the nuisance of logging in to track a package. Just think of the relief you’ll get knowing that in six years, when you finally do visit your niece in Kentucky, her birthday present was delivered on-schedule and by a friendly person.”

The USPS is also reportedly toying with a few other cost-cutting programs including, “What Have You Done For Us Lately, You Ungrateful Bitches,” as well as the more contentious, “Go Fuck Yourself” Pilot Program.