Recent Earthquakes Actually Promotion for Bruckheimer’s Latest Movie

The recent earthquakes in Baja, Haiti, Indonesia, etc, were today revealed to actually be the latest in a string of promotions for Jerry Bruckheimer’s latest film, “The Quakeness,” in a marketing strategy known as creating a “panic/buzz.”

Despite thousands of lives lost to the massive movie promotion, Hollywood insiders report that the promotion is having a real impact. Said one insider, “Sure, it’s an unusual marketing technique, but the share of the public that have an active interest in quake related themes has nearly quadrupled in the last couple of months. We think that by the time The Quakeness comes to theaters (March 2012) most folks are going to be too afraid to not see the movie. And don’t think its all about profits or promotion either. From what we hear, the Quakeness is all about survival, and about being prepared for all kinds of shaking, be it of a magnitude that actually affect the ground or something closer to home like the love between a single father and his daughter.”

Not everyone is a fan of the recent earthquakes. One seismologist/film-critic from the Rapa Institute for Quake/Film Studies in San Pedro, California said, “It’s really irresponsible of them. I don’t care what kind of movie they think they’re making, there is no way that making actual, earth shifting, city devastating quakes can be cost effective. I mean sure, it’s pretty cheap to make an earthquake. I can get you a basic 5.5 earthquake for ten-grand by tomorrow morning if you pitched it to me right. And of course the technology has been around since the dawn of the cold war. And the Russians used it to create the Los Angeles/Northridge earthquake of 1994 as a way to promote “Burnt By The Sun” just before Oscar season. But a lot of the times such strategies backfire as a lot of the public becomes disinclined to isolate itself in any crowded rooms without any accessible load-bearing structures within easy reach.”

A representative for Mr. Bruckheimer had this to say, “A lot of critics are getting it wrong: It’s not about the earthquakes. Are they a riveting backdrop? Of course? Does actually creating a world-wide earthquake panic/buzz that will drive citizens out of their homes and into the theaters make financial sense, of course? But it’s not just about super-reinforcing certain theaters as a back promotion to ensure that watching an earthquake movie is the only time you’ll actually be safe from earthquakes. It’s also about love. We’ve got some real strong ties between the characters in this picture, and I think Mr. Affleck is really going to hit his mark as “Senator Dane Gomez Md, Phd – Secretary of Quakeness.” And don’t forget, this a time when the whole world is needing to come together and recognize, as always, that it’s America and American ingenuity that’s going to get us through such disasters as we’ve been using to promote this film.”

(Incidentally: The above is entirely false. Those affected by the devastation of the earthquakes deserve our sympathy. Click Here to help the American Red Cross in their efforts to better the world. And special thanks to the lovely Lindsey for inspiring this link/idea.”