How

Ways to Save Time: Bathroom Efficiency

March 31, 2010

I love to save a little time. Usually that means finding a way to do two or three things at once, or to do them in an order that means I’m not being held up. So I laughed, just a moment ago, when I found myself peeing, then simultaneously trying to grab some scissors to [...]

On Being Funny In Your Blog – Rant

March 23, 2010

I’m always searching for funny writers. Often, the search terms lead me just off-center of where I want to be to “How to Be Funny” Land. These little advice columns really piss me off. It’s another example of bloggers blogging about blogging, the disgusting tendency of an industry with a gross name to triple up on their [...]

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How To Fix American “Obesity”

March 23, 2010

America is fat, sorry, obese, and we’re mad as hell about it. I’ve figured out how to fix this. The answer to ridding America of obesity? Change the language. We all know the age-old chubby girl trick of calling a fat girl pleasantly plump and telling your overweight husband that there is more of him [...]

Why I hate DJs

January 27, 2010

There are simply too many goddam people calling themselves a DJ. My basic feeling is that DJing, like masturbation, should be done discretely and with a healthy sense of embarrassment. When did this become something anyone could call themselves in public? The DJ as a mythic figure would be written like this: A girl whispers [...]

What Is “Maturity?”

September 27, 2009

What’s the point of being mature when you’re dealing with a tough social situation? Let me put that another way, because it does us no good to ponder the use of maturity until we really know what it is. What is it to be a mature person?

How to Get Monopoly Rich, Quick

September 10, 2009

It’s almost two in the morning, and I’m up playing Monopoly, dreaming, as every kid does, about all the wealth he’ll command. Trouble is, it’s just a fantasy and, well as I’m doing, happy as my life is, I don’t own much. So what’s a free, white, non-landowning male to do? So far, all I [...]

“How do you know when you’re in love?”

August 19, 2009

I had a friend recently ask me the question, “when do you know you’re in love?” A question like that, I’m not sure I’m used to thinking about anymore. It’s not that I think the answer is exactly obvious, but that, by this age, I figure most of my friends already know the answer well [...]

Meanwhile, How wrong is it that Higgings isn’t really British?

August 12, 2009

In fact, he was born in Denison, Texas. That’s right, he’s a Texan. Now, I generally haven’t any trouble with my Brits not being actually British. Indeed, some of the best haven’t been. Half of them, first off, are really Australian. I’ve learned this since dating a girl who, American born, is now actually Australian [...]

How to Stay Young Forever

July 31, 2009

It’s not that I want to go back to any “good ol’ days.” I’m really happy where I am and and where I am going. But I’ve been spending a lot of time going through lot of old writing, old photos, etc, and missing a lot of the good friends and good times that seem [...]