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How to Survive Bay to Breakers

May 14, 2010

Update!: Once again, Bay to Breakers is being threatened as they try to sanitize the event down to a family friendly PG level. Find out more and help support the protest for good, clean, adult fun. This institution is one of the last precious events of its kind in San Francisco. The first step to [...]

Buzz Aldrin Misses Chance to Be First Man to Walk On Obama

April 14, 2010

Famed latecomer Buzz Aldrin missed his chance today to be the first man to walk all over Obama’s cutbacks for the NASA space program when Neil Armstrong once again beat him to the punch by writing a letter of critique to the President. An insider told reporters that Mr. Aldrin missed the opportunity while he [...]

Ways to Save Time: Bathroom Efficiency

March 31, 2010

I love to save a little time. Usually that means finding a way to do two or three things at once, or to do them in an order that means I’m not being held up. So I laughed, just a moment ago, when I found myself peeing, then simultaneously trying to grab some scissors to [...]

What To Do When You’re Feeling Low

March 25, 2010

Depressed? Lazy? Just not feeling up to the world an all of its demands. Can’t find that inspiration everyone’s always on about? We all get this way, but what’s the best way to handle it? My suggestion, go with it. Just let it bloody be. Why fight the roller coaster baby? Here’s a few tips, a [...]

On Being Funny In Your Blog – Rant

March 23, 2010

I’m always searching for funny writers. Often, the search terms lead me just off-center of where I want to be to “How to Be Funny” Land. These little advice columns really piss me off. It’s another example of bloggers blogging about blogging, the disgusting tendency of an industry with a gross name to triple up on their [...]

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How To Fix American “Obesity”

March 23, 2010

America is fat, sorry, obese, and we’re mad as hell about it. I’ve figured out how to fix this. The answer to ridding America of obesity? Change the language. We all know the age-old chubby girl trick of calling a fat girl pleasantly plump and telling your overweight husband that there is more of him [...]

Why I hate DJs

January 27, 2010

There are simply too many goddam people calling themselves a DJ. My basic feeling is that DJing, like masturbation, should be done discretely and with a healthy sense of embarrassment. When did this become something anyone could call themselves in public? The DJ as a mythic figure would be written like this: A girl whispers [...]

How to Get Monopoly Rich, Quick

September 10, 2009

It’s almost two in the morning, and I’m up playing Monopoly, dreaming, as every kid does, about all the wealth he’ll command. Trouble is, it’s just a fantasy and, well as I’m doing, happy as my life is, I don’t own much. So what’s a free, white, non-landowning male to do? So far, all I [...]

How to Stay Young Forever

July 31, 2009

It’s not that I want to go back to any “good ol’ days.” I’m really happy where I am and and where I am going. But I’ve been spending a lot of time going through lot of old writing, old photos, etc, and missing a lot of the good friends and good times that seem [...]