I was looking through investment news all morning. The market is going crazy right now with volatility; one day a stock is up 5%, the next day it’s down 3%. I took a break from all the resources, the bond indexes, the trends in gold prices, the mortgage rates and tax returns, and walked to my corner liquor store for a sweet tea. That’s when I noticed the bag of jerky. It was three ounces of dried, stripped beef, for $7. Goddam outrageous, right? I can get a steak dinner for that in some respectable buffets for that much and this guy expects me to spend over $2 an ounce for this dehydrated salt-lick?
It started me thinking of jerky as an investment. People buy gold thinking, if the market crashes, at least they’ll have gold, and gold will be worth loads then. But that’s idiotic. If the economy really goes away, people wont want metal, they want beef.
As I imagine it, the three most valuable items in the post-apocalyptic world will be: Guns, Women, and Jerky. Of those three, Jerky is the easiest to start hoarding.
The price of Jerky has been on a steady, reliable rise ever since I was a child. Slim-Jims used to be 50 cents. Now they’re a dollar twenty-five. That’s progress. And something keeps pushing this price up. Somebody knows something. Why is it that a fresh piece of meat costs me 12 dollars at Outback Steakhouse but the same meat, cut into small strips, dried, salted, and vacu-sealed for all eternity suddenly skyrockets the price.
I’ve no idea how shop keepers or their wholesalers justify anyone spending a kings ransom on a insignificant husk of flesh but, when the apocalypse comes, I’m taking my cash out of Intel and putting it straight into Teriyaki.
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