What To Do When You’re Feeling Low

Depressed? Lazy? Just not feeling up to the world an all of its demands. Can’t find that inspiration everyone’s always on about? We all get this way, but what’s the best way to handle it? My suggestion, go with it. Just let it bloody be. Why fight the roller coaster baby? Here’s a few tips, a few ideas of things I like to do whenI get this way.

Lay Around On The Couch – Nothing says ‘feelin’ low’ like laying around on the couch. And don’t fool yourself by thinking you can get away with just sitting on it all day. Sitting up implies readiness, and you’re clearly not ready for anything. So, I’m talking pillows, shoes off, full spread. When Lazy is at Defcon 1, the couch is your central command.
Take Your Pants Off – You can’t do this with your pants on, so don’t even bother to look for them. Why wear pants? You’re not going anywhere. It’s not like somebody is going to call you or want to come over. Of course, in your depressed state, there is always that hope for the off-chance stranger who just really appreciates the mystery and wonder that is you. They don’t even call, they just knock. They put their finger to you lips as if to say, “No no, don’t speak. You’re beautiful just like this.” They have come for sex, with you. That’s obvious enough. Because, after all, you’re still special, right? So forget the pants. Your best bet is to remain pantless on the couch. Bonus points for wearing only a knitted blanket.
Law & Order – Until that special, random someone comes over to sleep with you, no questions asked, it’s probably a good idea that you don’t strain yourself. Fortunately, there are 872 hours of Law and Order available on Netflix to keep you company. By hour seven, when you’ve become so attuned to the look of a liar in an interrogation setting that you see right through the seeming innocence of your cat’s purr (little fucker just wants food, and I know it was him who pooped in the bed), you’ll be ready to really get down into the lazy for maybe the hardest step of all. Dinner.
Cheese – Meals are difficult when you’re feeling low. But you’re not looking for a meal, you’re looking for food: something to keep the hunger and the feelings at bay. Fortunately, there is cheese. Cheese is to the lazy what granola is to hikers. It is engineered to keep you going at an easy pace, and it is conveniently associated with every worthy frozen food.
Porn/Video Games – Don’t linger too long on either. Both need to be carefully balanced in a manner akin to icing and then heating a twisted ankle (not that I’ve ever hurt myself from some kind of athletics, but I’ve seen various sitcoms deal with as much). I like to try the twenty/sixty regimen. That’s twenty minutes of porn followed by sixty minutes of video games. But be careful with the porn. Unlike the games, which will let you forget about actual reality, porn will eventually only remind you that your mystery lover has not shown up at your door yet. Best bet: After three cycles of Porn/Video Games, take a Cheese break.
Dishes/Clocks – People are going to want to remind you what time it is. ”Honey, it’s two am, come to bed,” or “Jim, it’s ten thirty. You’re an hour and a half late to work,” or, “Steve, I’m late…you know…late!” Remember, in times like these, time has no meaning. But in case you ever do wonder how long you’ve been underground, on the couch, eating cheese, waiting for sex, playing porn, my best advice is to count dishes. At this point in your life/day, dishes, utensils, soda bottles, really trash of any kind, loses all meaning except in one, basic measure: mass. Since time, like your popularity, is an illusion anyway, you can at least trust how long you’ve been feeling low by the number of dishes, etc, laying about on various surfaces. A good indicator you’ve really committed yourself is when you notice the third dish placed not on any surface but actually down on the floor. Floor dishes are a sure sign somebody is going to sleep with you very soon. Keep it up!