There are simply too many goddam people calling themselves a DJ. My basic feeling is that DJing, like masturbation, should be done discretely and with a healthy sense of embarrassment. When did this become something anyone could call themselves in public?
The DJ as a mythic figure would be written like this:
A girl whispers into my ear. I nod, never taking my eyes off the board in front of me. She is stunning, but it is the music that enslaves me. I feel the beat. I am the beat. The beat is me.
My head is tilted so that I can hear into one headphone. I have two head phones, but I only use the one. No one knows why. Somewhere deep within me, I know.
Before me crowd moves, expectantly. I ponder, ‘What should follow Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean?” MGMT, or the Roots?’ Only I can decide. I flick my wrist, flip a switch…3, 2, 1…contact. That’s right…take it. The crowd is circling. They want more. This is my plight; this is my purpose. I am DJ.
Gross, isn’t it? When did the DJ become such an icon, and how is it that so many people think that they can get away with this level of mystique?
Back in the day, being a DJ meant you were one of two things: One, you have an impressive music collection and can be hired to select tracks specific to the hiring venue or, Two, you have an impressive music collection and have a real talent for selecting various pieces of music which, when mixed together or played in sequence, produces something truly original.
The first is a hobby. The second is an art form. Most people confuse the two. Here’s what I see happening: There is one word ascribed to two entirely different crafts. The subsequent disconnect happens when people think that merely selecting the music deserves the same level of respect or acknowledgement as the true artist who is actually creating something new. Since the invention of the Mp3, anyone can have an easily accessible, impressive music collection. Now, everyone’s a DJ, because at its base, being a DJ just means publicly selecting music. So, because the first craft is easy to accomplish, the term is overly inclusive. The result: too many goddam DJs.
Being a DJ today is about two things: the name and the posture.
The DJ moniker has become a kind of acceptable title in our society. Inherent in the DJ moniker is an arrogance: People drop the term DJ like it’s a post-graduate accreditation. “I’m DJ so-and-so,” or, in a bio, “I am a screen-writer, an actor, and I also DJ.” If there were a school for DJing I’d be more okay with it but, then again, I have three friends who are, technically, ministers, based off an application they filled out online. Perhaps someday a person’s parents could brag about their son’s ambitions, as in, “Yes, Teddy is off at Yale working hard on his thesis for his DJ degree. He’s doing fine work in advanced scratching,” but I don’t think we’re there yet.
Once you have selected your appropriately kitsch or ironic DJ name you have only to assume the correct posture. First, stay focused. A DJ must appear to have the same concentration and consideration for his next track as a litigator thumbing through tomes of precedents before the big case. Next, by any means necessary, keep that head tilted. You can look up from time to time to acknowledge your various admirers but only if you maintain at least one headphone pressed to your ears at all times. Finally, dance. Just remember that your dancing must not pull away from your appearance of focus. Appropriate DJ dancing will have the “paddle-ball” effect, that of a ball constantly rubber-banding back to your DJ booth. (An exception to this can be made when throwing up to occasional mad-props to the audience, à la one hand in the air.)
Congratulations. You’re now a DJ, and a much radder human being for it. You can tell everyone because you’ve accomplished the two main criteria: choosing a terrific name and looking the part. And don’t worry about the talent or the art, that’s not why you’re doing it. Yours is the path of hype and gadgetry, and loads of affectations.
(A quick note about to audience: One out of five people I know currently claim the title DJ. Some are the artists. Most aren’t. Therefore, I am aware this might piss off at least 18% of my friends. I am willing to accept that. When I told her about the piece my dear friend, DJ Hotbox, said, “Yeah, I’m a total poser, but at least I look amazing in the dark.” I think that kind of acknowledgement is all I’m asking for.)
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
DJ Hufflepuff is not amused.. But I am. Well done.
No way? Is there really a DJ Hufflepuff. Well, I suppose there is a DJ everything by this point. It’s like trying to come up with an original AOL screen name. Eventually all DJs will be something like DJ Jazzy48903
Few things:
1. The reason you wear only one headphone is so you can hear the music on the alternate turntable, the one that the crowd has not yet heard begin yet, to be sure that it is lined up correctly ( i.e. starting at the beginning, mixing and matching beats etc). If you had both headphones on, you may not be able to hear the end of the song that is currently playing, or be able to accurately match beats, etc.
2. There ARE DJ schools, all over the world.
3. You were a Radio DJ. During the period in which you were DJ’ing on the radio I heard you tell many people about your endeavors as a DJ and invite them to listen to your show.
4. Perhaps the reason you dislike “music” DJ’s is because you have appalling taste in music and no one wants to listen to what you have to play.
5. I really enjoyed your radio show while it lasted. Except the music parts that you selected. Thank goodness that you were assisted by that Baby- I mean, Babies.
On second thought- I retract item number 4 from the above commentary. Please strike this from the record and insert the following language into the record:
4. Perhaps the reason you dislike “music” DJ’s is because all of the music you listen to which was created after 1965 is horrifically appalling.
1. I still think the one headphone thing looks silly and pompous and overdone, but I’ll accept there is some theoretical advantage to it.
2. Can’t wait to apply
3. I was a DJ only in the sense that it’s what you’re supposed to call someone hosting a radio show. I don’t believe I ever called myself a DJ. If I did, please slap me. And it was a talk show, anyhow.
4. My musical taste IS appalling. And I would never try to pick music for a crowd outside of my car.
5.Agreed. Though I left 95% of all musical choices up to said Babies so please refer to him for all further Blackspot-music questions.
In reply to your retraction: “All” of the music is too strong. Let’s say that I lean towards some pretty awful music, and shy away from some music that a lot of people think is pretty great. But everyone likes the Beatles, so let’s all hug.
Meanwhile, yes, I am speaking of music DJs like at a club. Radio DJs are a whole different breed and I have no immediate qualms with their type.
you gotta be kiddin me!
lol.
just become a dj and get it over with…
It’s not exactly the act of DJing I don’t like, at least as far as picking the right songs for the right moment. It’s all the pomp that comes from it.
I think it would be way more sincere if DJ names were generated like the AOL screen names in the days of yore, when all the good stuff was taken. So instead of picking the coolest name you can think of, you get stuck with DJ RockYoPants135739.