Woman Who Showers Still Has Wet Hair

Janice Tilden of Cleavland, Ohio has reported today that her hair, after having gotten wet in the shower, seven months ago, is still wet. Authorities say the woman, who was late for work, reluctantly agreed to her boyfriend’s request to “hop in” to the shower just twenty minutes prior to leaving the house. Though she apparently laughed that it would “take forever” to get her hair to dry, the woman, according to sources, went into the shower anyway.

People around the world have been keeping an eye on Miss Tilden’s unfortunate circumstances and lines have been drawn between two opposing sides of critique: while some say that it was her right to enjoy a quick shower and that she should not be held responsible for the months of damp, sticky strands which have ensued, others blame her, claiming it was her responsibility, as a woman, to understand the nature of hair (especially curly) in the presence of water.

Teams of scientists, meanwhile, have offered their advice for the situation. Dr. Samuel Bakerstein of the Sheffield Institute for Split Ends has been on hand constantly. After two failed attempts to dry her hair through conventional means – first with medical-grade blow-dryers, then in a wind tunnel – Bakerstein has endeavored to isolate the moisture, itself, through a series of experiments which focus on the increased fluffiness of towels, utilizing the well known Borhampf principle of has downy freshness. Meanwhile, others have called for federal attention, citing previous cases of prolonged Folicular Hyperhydrosis where some women’s hair stayed damp for up to three years. Though such cases are extremely rare, though the CDC warns that contact with such a woman may engender similar brazen qualities, which is precisely the reason Dr. Bakerstein says national attention is warranted.

Miss Tilden herself has been quoted to say, “It’s not so bad.” When asked how she is coping with the situation, Miss Tilden says, “Though there are times when I miss being able to walk outside or be seen by others I have to say, I have found a kind of comfort in the great number of hats that I own which now seem pretty good for every occasion. I guess what I’m saying is…” She paused, then, to pull a strand of hair out of her face, and was unavailable for further comment as she spent the next forty minutes trying to untangle her watch from her bangs.